MAHAL PA BA KITA
Ilang linggo na ang lumipas
Naiisip pa din kita
Nagsumpaan walang magbabago
Pero ano ba itong nangyari sa iyo
Ilang linggo na ang lumipas
Ninais ko nang maglayag papalayo sa iyo
Sinabi ko sa aking sarili
Di na kita muling iisipin pa
Ilang linggo na ang lumipas
Bigla kong naisip
Hindi kita magawang limutin
Anong epekto mo sa akin
Ako ngayon ay litung-lito
Maraming beses na akong nangahas
Maraming ulit na akong nagtangka
Ikaw ay iwanan at kalimutan
Pero laging ikaw pa din
Kawawang puso ko, nagdurusa
Mahal pa ba kita
Kaya ako ganito
Mahal pa ba kita
Kaya di ako matuto
Sinabi ko sa sarili
Maling ika'y mahalin
Pilitin ko mang magalit sa iyo
Hindi ko ikaw maiwaglit
Mahal pa ba kita...
Nais ko sanang isipin, hinde na
Nais ko sanang mangyari, huwag na
Mahal pa ba kita, ayoko na!!!
Gusto ko na ng iba!!!
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Out of the blue expression: 25 years and 10 days later...
Each year that we grow older and wiser is something worth celebrating.
Before I turned 25, I am such a lost soul. (..oh well, that’s how I thought I am… There were lots of things I need to resolve and accept.
When I come to that point of realizing everything, I readily accepted all those things I thought important. In doing so, I gave high hope for me to start all over again. I actually believed that I am going to be much stronger and wiser. All these were true to a point but it was not all worth it and it proved to be so hard to sustain.
When I celebrated my 25th year, I was battling more issues never before raised in front of me. It was such a quick phase and an abrupt pattern that I realize I am only raising up the level of weariness inside me. Life at any give time is almost the same and it was always ready to give you the best and the worst of things.
25 years and 10 days later, I am older. I grew bigger. I transcended higher. And at the same time, I felt am falling behind. I am still attached and have not fully understood the meaning. So many questions were answered but then a couple of issues remain to be answered.
In accepting the truth about me, there was a sense of fulfillment. In facing my enemies and dealing with them, there was a moment of victory. In caring for others, I felt love grow within me. In serving good for others and finding new allies, I am filled with high spirits. All these happenings were not enough for me to get rid of the other side of life I once was trying to forget. I felt rushed, alone, uncertain, afraid and lost still. I have not faced the big picture.
25 years and 10 days later I evolved but I also have not change. Changes don't come in physical form it should also be in varied aspects of mentality, emotion and spirituality. I realized that I have not fulfilled those other aspects.
A good friend of mine once said to me that she admires my maturity and deep thinking ability. It is such an inspiring thing to hear. Knowing that I am still a lad who must learn, achieve and succeed in all the aspects of life itself, this I believe is in preparation of my eternity.
25 years and 10 days later, here I am sitting, contemplating and composing this out of the blue expression. I am just hoping that after this I am going to feel better and a lot stronger again.
Before I turned 25, I am such a lost soul. (..oh well, that’s how I thought I am… There were lots of things I need to resolve and accept.
When I come to that point of realizing everything, I readily accepted all those things I thought important. In doing so, I gave high hope for me to start all over again. I actually believed that I am going to be much stronger and wiser. All these were true to a point but it was not all worth it and it proved to be so hard to sustain.
When I celebrated my 25th year, I was battling more issues never before raised in front of me. It was such a quick phase and an abrupt pattern that I realize I am only raising up the level of weariness inside me. Life at any give time is almost the same and it was always ready to give you the best and the worst of things.
25 years and 10 days later, I am older. I grew bigger. I transcended higher. And at the same time, I felt am falling behind. I am still attached and have not fully understood the meaning. So many questions were answered but then a couple of issues remain to be answered.
In accepting the truth about me, there was a sense of fulfillment. In facing my enemies and dealing with them, there was a moment of victory. In caring for others, I felt love grow within me. In serving good for others and finding new allies, I am filled with high spirits. All these happenings were not enough for me to get rid of the other side of life I once was trying to forget. I felt rushed, alone, uncertain, afraid and lost still. I have not faced the big picture.
25 years and 10 days later I evolved but I also have not change. Changes don't come in physical form it should also be in varied aspects of mentality, emotion and spirituality. I realized that I have not fulfilled those other aspects.
A good friend of mine once said to me that she admires my maturity and deep thinking ability. It is such an inspiring thing to hear. Knowing that I am still a lad who must learn, achieve and succeed in all the aspects of life itself, this I believe is in preparation of my eternity.
25 years and 10 days later, here I am sitting, contemplating and composing this out of the blue expression. I am just hoping that after this I am going to feel better and a lot stronger again.
Tired
I turned a year older
I bounced up and down
Suddenly I am tired
So tired and weary
I have lost an angel
Along the way I stumbled
I faced my life again
So tired and weary
When will I find love
When will I find peace
When will I heal
Am so tired and weary
Friends are there for me
I am here for them
But I am tired
And I am weary
I hope to rest
I feel the need to relax
That's what I should do
Forget about everything...
That's making me tired and weary.
I bounced up and down
Suddenly I am tired
So tired and weary
I have lost an angel
Along the way I stumbled
I faced my life again
So tired and weary
When will I find love
When will I find peace
When will I heal
Am so tired and weary
Friends are there for me
I am here for them
But I am tired
And I am weary
I hope to rest
I feel the need to relax
That's what I should do
Forget about everything...
That's making me tired and weary.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
The Fast Four Days of my Life
I acted in honesty
I got so clamped down
You had my feelings
I had yours but not deep
I don't wanna wave down
I still wanna go higher
Even if I feel bad
Even if I feel down
So fast is the four days of my life
You throw my heart away
I got burned and washed out
How can I redeem myself now?
You're in his arms now
I am basically tossed and turned
You said we're still friends
I said the same thing
To have realized I like you is one thing
To have learned that I care is something
To face my truth is overwhelming
Those were the fast four days of my life
I wonder now, did I make sense?
I wonder now, have I grown?
Yes! I say! Yes! I say!
Days are faster than normal!
I got so clamped down
You had my feelings
I had yours but not deep
I don't wanna wave down
I still wanna go higher
Even if I feel bad
Even if I feel down
So fast is the four days of my life
You throw my heart away
I got burned and washed out
How can I redeem myself now?
You're in his arms now
I am basically tossed and turned
You said we're still friends
I said the same thing
To have realized I like you is one thing
To have learned that I care is something
To face my truth is overwhelming
Those were the fast four days of my life
I wonder now, did I make sense?
I wonder now, have I grown?
Yes! I say! Yes! I say!
Days are faster than normal!
Sunday, May 16, 2004
Today Not Even Tomorrow
I'm approaching my silver year. If I were to sum up all my life I wouldn't know if I have reached my top or not.
In the past years of my life I have come acrossed with many challenges and victories as well. During those moments I consider myself tossed in a moment of life's bliss. Good or bad experiences doesn't really say whether a man is a failure or not.
I thought life was easy when I was younger. Although I was exposed to independence at a young age I was able to make both ends meet. When there is difficulty I rise to the challenge and win! Now, my life is more difficult and complicated. The idea of weathering all life's hardships are mere ideas now. It's becoming more complicated and more frustrating at times.
I am searching for my life. I am probably a late bloomer, a person who lived so much in hiding! I think in a way I also have lived my life in the past and have not fully engaged myself in the present time.
Now is the awakening and the realization of my existence. I thank Him for the love and the extra effort He has given to me. I thank my father and my mother for their love and unconditional support. Thank you for all the men and women that have become part of my existence. It's indeed a hard act to understand all my craziness and impulsive decisions.
In my silver year I hope to come out as somebody new. Somebody with a higher learning and more confidence in his abilities. Somebody who can stand up and really take on anybody. Somebody who will introduce himself as himself without stepping backward because he feels a bit low. All these things will be happening. I have explored my life at a greater height for the past 5 years, I have often think that it was a good experience getting to know myself. It doesn't end here, this is just the beginning. The rise of a new eternal being.
Today not even tomorrow, I will be somebody new. People are there to like me or dislike my guts but that's going to be their problem and not mine.
In the past years of my life I have come acrossed with many challenges and victories as well. During those moments I consider myself tossed in a moment of life's bliss. Good or bad experiences doesn't really say whether a man is a failure or not.
I thought life was easy when I was younger. Although I was exposed to independence at a young age I was able to make both ends meet. When there is difficulty I rise to the challenge and win! Now, my life is more difficult and complicated. The idea of weathering all life's hardships are mere ideas now. It's becoming more complicated and more frustrating at times.
I am searching for my life. I am probably a late bloomer, a person who lived so much in hiding! I think in a way I also have lived my life in the past and have not fully engaged myself in the present time.
Now is the awakening and the realization of my existence. I thank Him for the love and the extra effort He has given to me. I thank my father and my mother for their love and unconditional support. Thank you for all the men and women that have become part of my existence. It's indeed a hard act to understand all my craziness and impulsive decisions.
In my silver year I hope to come out as somebody new. Somebody with a higher learning and more confidence in his abilities. Somebody who can stand up and really take on anybody. Somebody who will introduce himself as himself without stepping backward because he feels a bit low. All these things will be happening. I have explored my life at a greater height for the past 5 years, I have often think that it was a good experience getting to know myself. It doesn't end here, this is just the beginning. The rise of a new eternal being.
Today not even tomorrow, I will be somebody new. People are there to like me or dislike my guts but that's going to be their problem and not mine.
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Out of the blue expression : Today and forever ...
It's not always easy to let go of someone you love. It's not easy to let go.
In a not so distant past, I felt again the loving and caring feeling. I thought it was good and hearty. Yet then, I forgot one thing! Our situation, our condition! It's so hard because I can't fight my longings for this person I have learned to love and care about. It's even harder because I don't seem to get the same feeling or affection...
Just one confession here my friend..for a time in my life, I felt ready to face everything. I felt more secure about my stands and beliefs. It was all because of this one hearty creature, a very full of life angel!
"You may have not think about us together, yet I hope we find a way to be in harmony, in twine and in bliss together. "
"I will always keep u here in me! My friend, my love, right now my soul... "
"I won't wait now. I will have to move forward. My feelings are still the same and it has grown stronger. Sorry, I cannot fight for something I am not sure if worth trying or worth fighting. With that I don't deserve your love, your care and your affection. Sorry! :-( I won't look back now but if I do, I hope to find you still right there thinking, looking and welcoming me back into your life...my angel, my truth!"
In a not so distant past, I felt again the loving and caring feeling. I thought it was good and hearty. Yet then, I forgot one thing! Our situation, our condition! It's so hard because I can't fight my longings for this person I have learned to love and care about. It's even harder because I don't seem to get the same feeling or affection...
Just one confession here my friend..for a time in my life, I felt ready to face everything. I felt more secure about my stands and beliefs. It was all because of this one hearty creature, a very full of life angel!
"You may have not think about us together, yet I hope we find a way to be in harmony, in twine and in bliss together. "
"I will always keep u here in me! My friend, my love, right now my soul... "
"I won't wait now. I will have to move forward. My feelings are still the same and it has grown stronger. Sorry, I cannot fight for something I am not sure if worth trying or worth fighting. With that I don't deserve your love, your care and your affection. Sorry! :-( I won't look back now but if I do, I hope to find you still right there thinking, looking and welcoming me back into your life...my angel, my truth!"
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Killing My Feelings
My love for you
Your love not for me
I cannot take this
I long for you
But there is nothing for me
We are good as friends
So let it be
When I hope to love you
I also hope to forget this love for you
And killing my feelings will make it true
I know you think it is stupid
I hope you realize that I am true
I do care for you
I love you
If you don't, it's ok...
I don't want to say goodbye
Because we never really had the chance
You just passed and went by
You are still here inside me
Just don't go permanently
If killing my feelings
Will keep you near me
Then I' be glad to do it
Just be close to me again
Just don't hide and make me feel down
Your love not for me
I cannot take this
I long for you
But there is nothing for me
We are good as friends
So let it be
When I hope to love you
I also hope to forget this love for you
And killing my feelings will make it true
I know you think it is stupid
I hope you realize that I am true
I do care for you
I love you
If you don't, it's ok...
I don't want to say goodbye
Because we never really had the chance
You just passed and went by
You are still here inside me
Just don't go permanently
If killing my feelings
Will keep you near me
Then I' be glad to do it
Just be close to me again
Just don't hide and make me feel down
Out of the blue expression: Today again...
Such a dragging, weakening feeling! I woke up late. I arrived at the office 12PM and yes I got off to a good start. Suddenly, a rush of headache tore me down slowly. Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! I hate this feeling.
My head is beating hard. I can feel the pounding beat of a head being ripped with pain.
I can not concentrate and can no longer bear this. What did I do to deserve this pain? Not right now! I cannot afford to miss this time.
It's high enough that I am feeling down these past days. Thanks to my gym workout at least some of my stresses are being release. Yet still I don't want any added trouble. I want to move on and be positively high.
I dream of that day when no more physical pain or emotional downers can tie me down.
My head is beating hard. I can feel the pounding beat of a head being ripped with pain.
I can not concentrate and can no longer bear this. What did I do to deserve this pain? Not right now! I cannot afford to miss this time.
It's high enough that I am feeling down these past days. Thanks to my gym workout at least some of my stresses are being release. Yet still I don't want any added trouble. I want to move on and be positively high.
I dream of that day when no more physical pain or emotional downers can tie me down.
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Out of the blue expression : Today and so on .....
Today is not a very inspiring day for me. Why? I don't know. This is one of those days when I feel I just wanted to lay my back and relax.
I am at work right now. But as you see, I am busy with my blog. Hehehe In my dire effort to release the work tension I am feeling I guess this is a good shock absorber.
What on Earth am I here for now? Months ago I made a journey to the unknown and I was displaced on this new place. While it's true that new things can bring new hope, it can also be said that the opposite of it can never be forgotten. It's the balance between good and evil. Hay!
What ever am feeling now is just a simple rebound I guess. I am thinking a lot and have not been in focus because of that. Nevertheless, it's always challenging to note that such kind of feeling will always make you reflect on what is happening in your life. I must learn to continue with life and not cling much to the things going around my circle.
...and so on!!!!!
I am at work right now. But as you see, I am busy with my blog. Hehehe In my dire effort to release the work tension I am feeling I guess this is a good shock absorber.
What on Earth am I here for now? Months ago I made a journey to the unknown and I was displaced on this new place. While it's true that new things can bring new hope, it can also be said that the opposite of it can never be forgotten. It's the balance between good and evil. Hay!
What ever am feeling now is just a simple rebound I guess. I am thinking a lot and have not been in focus because of that. Nevertheless, it's always challenging to note that such kind of feeling will always make you reflect on what is happening in your life. I must learn to continue with life and not cling much to the things going around my circle.
...and so on!!!!!
Saturday, April 10, 2004
Out of the blue expression: Guardian or Passers By
I have a friend who once asked me if I ever felt the urge to go away and never come back from the usual way of life I have right now. My answer to her was yes. I did felt that way a couple of times and have been feeling it still from time to time. I would presume that all of us feel the same way.
I have another good friend who dared to do his own thing and face life as it comes his way. I admire him for that. He has opened my eyes to every possibility that there is. I learned to think in a more meaningful way liked I would assume he did.
Two different people in my life, with two different view of life but pretty much the same longing or need. How convenient that is for me being in the middle of it all? Seeing them and observing, I learned to pick up some good points along the way. I learned to deal with the things around me in a more composed way.
We all have our friends, buds, acquaintances and loved ones to cling on to when we are in dire need of life support. I came to a point in life when I thought I almost do not have someone. God was good to give me to someone back then. This person brought me to life. Her inspiring moods and soft way of bringing me to light was such a gesture. It was not long though, I had to end it for some good and bad reason.
After her, I became more confident and have long for more possibilities that I can afford or not. That longing was not totally physical but emotional and spiritual in nature as well.
I soon found out more about myself. My questions on why, where and how things are going to be were answered. I met new people as well as old people in my life. They all are coming back while some are just showing up to my sleeves. God has surely made a way for me to seek my answers to all of my questions. These people have become the guardian and passers by of my life.
The greatest guardian ever was God. I asked Him to come with me on this journey. I requested Him to give the needs that I would have to come across with as I prepare to come up with an acceptable term for my life right now. I asked and told Him I need to cross the line so that I could see the other facets of life. I know He has permitted me. I am still not in harmony with my crossover because I have not really solved the mystery. I am still just starting to wander around. I asked Him to bear with me. In my dire effort to seek question He has permitted me to come face to face with someone. My Guardian is good to let me be myself with this person.
Who is this person? This person is my key I would say. The connection was years back but the reconnection happened again certainly. This person was the living testimony that He gave me, I am certain about it. I just do not understand why I have to feel the attachment to this special person. I just happened to know that I got so much to learn from this heaven sent creature that I regarded to be an inspiration and an indication I should not fear life and be bold.
Could it be at some point there are guardians or passers by given to us? As God is the greatest Guardian, could there be people who would bring changes to us and serve as a guardian or passers by in our lives? Up to what extent? I am afraid now that I have grown attached with this earthly dust. My guardian or passers by, I certainly hope to keep the connection, be touched or loved in anyway.
I have another good friend who dared to do his own thing and face life as it comes his way. I admire him for that. He has opened my eyes to every possibility that there is. I learned to think in a more meaningful way liked I would assume he did.
Two different people in my life, with two different view of life but pretty much the same longing or need. How convenient that is for me being in the middle of it all? Seeing them and observing, I learned to pick up some good points along the way. I learned to deal with the things around me in a more composed way.
We all have our friends, buds, acquaintances and loved ones to cling on to when we are in dire need of life support. I came to a point in life when I thought I almost do not have someone. God was good to give me to someone back then. This person brought me to life. Her inspiring moods and soft way of bringing me to light was such a gesture. It was not long though, I had to end it for some good and bad reason.
After her, I became more confident and have long for more possibilities that I can afford or not. That longing was not totally physical but emotional and spiritual in nature as well.
I soon found out more about myself. My questions on why, where and how things are going to be were answered. I met new people as well as old people in my life. They all are coming back while some are just showing up to my sleeves. God has surely made a way for me to seek my answers to all of my questions. These people have become the guardian and passers by of my life.
The greatest guardian ever was God. I asked Him to come with me on this journey. I requested Him to give the needs that I would have to come across with as I prepare to come up with an acceptable term for my life right now. I asked and told Him I need to cross the line so that I could see the other facets of life. I know He has permitted me. I am still not in harmony with my crossover because I have not really solved the mystery. I am still just starting to wander around. I asked Him to bear with me. In my dire effort to seek question He has permitted me to come face to face with someone. My Guardian is good to let me be myself with this person.
Who is this person? This person is my key I would say. The connection was years back but the reconnection happened again certainly. This person was the living testimony that He gave me, I am certain about it. I just do not understand why I have to feel the attachment to this special person. I just happened to know that I got so much to learn from this heaven sent creature that I regarded to be an inspiration and an indication I should not fear life and be bold.
Could it be at some point there are guardians or passers by given to us? As God is the greatest Guardian, could there be people who would bring changes to us and serve as a guardian or passers by in our lives? Up to what extent? I am afraid now that I have grown attached with this earthly dust. My guardian or passers by, I certainly hope to keep the connection, be touched or loved in anyway.
Sunday, April 04, 2004
Me and You
It’s the way we make love
It’s the way you make me fall into you
It’s the way you make me feel good
It’s the way you make me smile
It’s the way you faced your life
It’s the way you opened up to me
It’s the way you trusted me
It’s the way you remembered me
It’s all about you
That I have started to like
It’s all about me and you
That I have start to asked
If I felt good being with you
Then is it possible that we may connect more
If you felt that way too
Then why don’t we go through it once more
This time, me and you
This time, just us
Me and you
Until we make it through
It’s the way you make me fall into you
It’s the way you make me feel good
It’s the way you make me smile
It’s the way you faced your life
It’s the way you opened up to me
It’s the way you trusted me
It’s the way you remembered me
It’s all about you
That I have started to like
It’s all about me and you
That I have start to asked
If I felt good being with you
Then is it possible that we may connect more
If you felt that way too
Then why don’t we go through it once more
This time, me and you
This time, just us
Me and you
Until we make it through
I would like to ask you
I would like to ask you
Do I fit into your heart?
Do I make a wave into your mind?
Do you ever think of me in such special way?
I need to know
Because I am dying inside
I think you know that I care for you
I think you know that I like you
I think you know that I want you
It is only you at this point
It is only you at all point
I would like to ask you
Do I make sense with you?
Do I make you feel secure?
Do I make you feel happy?
I need to know
Because I am dying inside
I think I need to know
I think I should know
I think I am entitled to be informed
Where do we go?
Is there a future or …
Should we just keep it low?
I would like to ask you all these
Please let me know.
Do I fit into your heart?
Do I make a wave into your mind?
Do you ever think of me in such special way?
I need to know
Because I am dying inside
I think you know that I care for you
I think you know that I like you
I think you know that I want you
It is only you at this point
It is only you at all point
I would like to ask you
Do I make sense with you?
Do I make you feel secure?
Do I make you feel happy?
I need to know
Because I am dying inside
I think I need to know
I think I should know
I think I am entitled to be informed
Where do we go?
Is there a future or …
Should we just keep it low?
I would like to ask you all these
Please let me know.
SERYENG TAGALOG (The Tagalog Series)
IDEYA NG PAGMAMAHAL
Hindi ko kailanman naisip na magagawa ko ang mga bagay na hindi ko madalas gawin sa buhay ko para sa ibang tao. Ngunit ng muling umawit ang aking damdaming yukod sa mainit na kaisipan ng salitang “PAGMAMAHAL” ay muli akong nahulog sa mundo ng walang katapusang saya, sakripisyo, pagbibigay at pagtitiis.
Magpahanggang ngayon hinde ko alam bakit ganito ang pakiramdam ko sa isang tao na masasabi kong naging malaking bahagi na ng aking katauhan. Sana nga lamang ay nababasa niya ito ngayon, sadyang alay para sa kanya at labis kong ikasisiya na malaman niya ang aking naiisip ukol sa aming dalawa.
Mahirap magbakasali sa isang relasyon lalo pa kung sa unang bahagi ng aspetong ito ay masasabi ayos naman ang lahat at walang pressure sa parehong panig. Ngunit kung minsan ang kaduwagan sa hinde pagharap sa tunay mong nararamdaman para sa iyong mahal ay higit na nakakalason sa sarili, sa pakiramdam, sa isipan. Minsan parang mas mainam pang malaman mo agad kung hanggang saan lamang kayo maaaring maging kayo, hinde ba?
Ang ideya ng pagmamahal ay isang malawak na paksa na matagal at paulit ulit ng tinatalakay ng sangkatauhan. Sari-saring kaisipan, kalagayan at katangian ng pagmamahal na ang ating narinig mula ng tayo ay mabuhay. Ang ideya ng pag-ibig ay hinde madaling maunawaan. Kung minsan iyon na pala ang pagmamahal pero hinde pa din natin nakikita or nadadama ito.
Sa buhay ko ngayon isa lang ang tiyak ko. Masarap at masakit ang magmahal. Masarap kasi gusto mo ang mga bagay na ginagawa mo para sa iyong mahal kahit ito pa ay hinde ayon sa pamayanan. Masarap dahil naroroon ang tinatawag na “sacrifice in the name of love”. Sa isang marahas na kataga ito ay matatawag din na kabaliwan sa pag-ibig! Ang magmahal ay masakit din lalo pa kung ang inuukol mong pagtangi ay hinde binigyan ng sapat na atensyon ng iyong inaasam na kabiyak. Masakit dahil hinde ka niya man lamang nabigyan ng puwang. Kung mayroon man, ito ay hinde para maging pagmamahal na higit pa sa pagkakaibigan. Ang sakit hinde ba?
Sa buhay ko ngayon may natatangi sa puso ko. Subalit ayokong isipin kung anuman ang naghihintay. Minsan nababaliw ako sa pag-iisip na baka hinde naman niya nararamdaman ang gaya ng aking pakiramdam ngayon sa kanya. Minsan din, nais ko na siyang tanungin pero wala akong lakas. Ang aking relasyon sa kanya ay hinde tiyak. Ito ay dahil na rin siguro sa walang effort na nanggagaling sa isa’t –isa para kahit paano maging bukas kami sa mas malalim na posibilidad ng isang relasyong higit pa sa pisikal, emosyonal, mental at spiritwal na katotohanan.
Ang ideya na baka “in-love” ako sa posibilidad na maging kami ay hinde ko isinasantabi. Minsan nagkakaroon ng malaking diperensya ang ideya ng pagiging “in-love” at ang ideya ng tunay na pagbibigay ng pagmamahal.
Tinatanong ko ang aking sarili. Ako ba ay saan ngayon nakatayo sa dalawang sanga na ito ng buhay ko? Handa ba ako talaga na sumubok sa aming relasyon? Handa ba akong tanggapin ang lahat-lahat? Hanggang kalian kaya ako magiging matiyaga para sa kanya? Naiinip ka na ba? May pagtangi kaya siya sa akin kahit kaunti o wala naman pala talaga kahit katiting? Ang dami kong tanong, sana masagot kong lahat ito ng tama? Matutulungan kaya niya akong sagutin ito para sa aming dalawa…ideya ng aming pagmamahalan, ano kaya talaga?
Hindi ko kailanman naisip na magagawa ko ang mga bagay na hindi ko madalas gawin sa buhay ko para sa ibang tao. Ngunit ng muling umawit ang aking damdaming yukod sa mainit na kaisipan ng salitang “PAGMAMAHAL” ay muli akong nahulog sa mundo ng walang katapusang saya, sakripisyo, pagbibigay at pagtitiis.
Magpahanggang ngayon hinde ko alam bakit ganito ang pakiramdam ko sa isang tao na masasabi kong naging malaking bahagi na ng aking katauhan. Sana nga lamang ay nababasa niya ito ngayon, sadyang alay para sa kanya at labis kong ikasisiya na malaman niya ang aking naiisip ukol sa aming dalawa.
Mahirap magbakasali sa isang relasyon lalo pa kung sa unang bahagi ng aspetong ito ay masasabi ayos naman ang lahat at walang pressure sa parehong panig. Ngunit kung minsan ang kaduwagan sa hinde pagharap sa tunay mong nararamdaman para sa iyong mahal ay higit na nakakalason sa sarili, sa pakiramdam, sa isipan. Minsan parang mas mainam pang malaman mo agad kung hanggang saan lamang kayo maaaring maging kayo, hinde ba?
Ang ideya ng pagmamahal ay isang malawak na paksa na matagal at paulit ulit ng tinatalakay ng sangkatauhan. Sari-saring kaisipan, kalagayan at katangian ng pagmamahal na ang ating narinig mula ng tayo ay mabuhay. Ang ideya ng pag-ibig ay hinde madaling maunawaan. Kung minsan iyon na pala ang pagmamahal pero hinde pa din natin nakikita or nadadama ito.
Sa buhay ko ngayon isa lang ang tiyak ko. Masarap at masakit ang magmahal. Masarap kasi gusto mo ang mga bagay na ginagawa mo para sa iyong mahal kahit ito pa ay hinde ayon sa pamayanan. Masarap dahil naroroon ang tinatawag na “sacrifice in the name of love”. Sa isang marahas na kataga ito ay matatawag din na kabaliwan sa pag-ibig! Ang magmahal ay masakit din lalo pa kung ang inuukol mong pagtangi ay hinde binigyan ng sapat na atensyon ng iyong inaasam na kabiyak. Masakit dahil hinde ka niya man lamang nabigyan ng puwang. Kung mayroon man, ito ay hinde para maging pagmamahal na higit pa sa pagkakaibigan. Ang sakit hinde ba?
Sa buhay ko ngayon may natatangi sa puso ko. Subalit ayokong isipin kung anuman ang naghihintay. Minsan nababaliw ako sa pag-iisip na baka hinde naman niya nararamdaman ang gaya ng aking pakiramdam ngayon sa kanya. Minsan din, nais ko na siyang tanungin pero wala akong lakas. Ang aking relasyon sa kanya ay hinde tiyak. Ito ay dahil na rin siguro sa walang effort na nanggagaling sa isa’t –isa para kahit paano maging bukas kami sa mas malalim na posibilidad ng isang relasyong higit pa sa pisikal, emosyonal, mental at spiritwal na katotohanan.
Ang ideya na baka “in-love” ako sa posibilidad na maging kami ay hinde ko isinasantabi. Minsan nagkakaroon ng malaking diperensya ang ideya ng pagiging “in-love” at ang ideya ng tunay na pagbibigay ng pagmamahal.
Tinatanong ko ang aking sarili. Ako ba ay saan ngayon nakatayo sa dalawang sanga na ito ng buhay ko? Handa ba ako talaga na sumubok sa aming relasyon? Handa ba akong tanggapin ang lahat-lahat? Hanggang kalian kaya ako magiging matiyaga para sa kanya? Naiinip ka na ba? May pagtangi kaya siya sa akin kahit kaunti o wala naman pala talaga kahit katiting? Ang dami kong tanong, sana masagot kong lahat ito ng tama? Matutulungan kaya niya akong sagutin ito para sa aming dalawa…ideya ng aming pagmamahalan, ano kaya talaga?
Friday, March 26, 2004
Unknowingly
It was the best day
And it was the worst day
I fell for you
Unknowingly
I can’t explain it
This feeling was good
But it was not great
Unknowingly
I was not expecting this
But you came
You conquered my emotions
Unknowingly
We had a good time spent together
I dared got crazy over you
Did you feel that way too?
Unknowingly
Now am asking if this is good
I don't know if I should ask you
Yet I hope you be more open
So I could be in tune again…
And it was the worst day
I fell for you
Unknowingly
I can’t explain it
This feeling was good
But it was not great
Unknowingly
I was not expecting this
But you came
You conquered my emotions
Unknowingly
We had a good time spent together
I dared got crazy over you
Did you feel that way too?
Unknowingly
Now am asking if this is good
I don't know if I should ask you
Yet I hope you be more open
So I could be in tune again…
Sunday, March 07, 2004
SERYENG TAGALOG (The Tagalog Series)
TADHANA
Isang araw na lang nagising ka, iba ang pakiramdam mo. Isang pagkakataon ang di mo inaasahang darating sa iyong buhay. Malungkot ka, galing ka sa isang masalimuot na bahagi ng iyong buhay.
Ngunit sa kabilang banda, sa isang di naman kalayuang nakaraan. Gawa ng isang gawaing inakala mong mali ay mabubuhay ang usbong ng tadhana. Sa iyong pagyao sa hinaharap ay may mga epektong magaganap na nakaayon sa ginawa mo mula sa di kalayuang nakaraan.
Lahat tayo sa ating mahal na buhay ay dumaan sa mga karanasan, pangit o maganda man. Lahat ay nag-iwan ng isang marka na tanging ikaw lang ang makakapagsabi kung ito’y pawang ayon sa iyong kagustuhan o hindi.
Tanda ko, sa aking buhay mga ilang taon na ang dumaraan. Mga halos mag-aapat na taon na kung aking bibilanging talaga may nakilala akong tao na naging bahagi ng buhay ko.
Wala ako sa kapangyarihan para ihayag ko ang lahat subalit ito’y ayon lamang sa aking gagawing paglalahad.
Minsan sa buhay natin ay dumadaan tayo sa bahaging may hinahanap-hanap tayo at gustong patunayan sa sarili. Sa di inaasahang pagkakataon ay nahahanap natin ang sagot sa mga nakakasalamuha, nakikilala at nakikita natin sa ating paligid.
Ang aking naging karanasan sa taong ito. Ang aking naging relasyon sa taong ito ay masasabing isang mabilisan, hindi inaasahan. Gayunpaman, sa buhay minsan lang tayo makakatagpo ng tao na may iiwang marka sa iyo, sa iyong sariling pagkatao. At pakiwari mo ba’y nasa kanya ang mga tanong na bumabagabag sa iyo. Hindi ba tama?
Minsan ang taong hindi mo inaaakalang siya palang magbibigay ng malaking impluwensya o epekto sa iyo ang siyang dumadating. Masasabi ko ganito ang nangyari sa akin. Pero sadyang malupit ang pagkakataon, sapagkat hindi lahat ng nais mo ay ibinibigay niya. Sa madaling salita, siya na naging espesyal sa buhay ko ay nawala, umalis, nagpakalayo-layo.
Wala kaming pormal na sistema kung iisipin pero ako ay marahil umaasa na mapagwagian ko ang simpatya at tiwala niya. Bagay na sa aking pakiwari ay nagawa ko naman. Subalit sadyang para sa kanya noong mga panahong iyon ay tila marahil ako’y hangin lang na dumaan sa kanyang buhay.
Subalit ang hangin pala ay bumabalik, umiikot lang.
Minsan sa isang araw ng aking buhay bumalik ang pagkakataon. Nagkita kami. Akala ko nga ay limot niya na ako. Akala ko nga hinde na niya ako mapapansin pa. Pinutol ko na din kasi ang tanging naging ugnayan naming sa loob ng halos apat na taon ng buhay ko, ang cell phone number kong luma. Nang magpalit ako ng numero ay hindi na ako nag-abala pang ipabatid sa kanya na may bagong numero na ako. Bakit? Ito’y sa kadahilanang dumating ako sa punto sa loob ng 4 na taong dumaan na nabatid kong hinde siya ganoong naging ka-interesado sa akin upang maging seryoso or sadyang kahit maging magkaibigan lang kami.
Sa loob ng apat na taon maraming nangyari sa buhay naming dalawa. Namuhay ng hiwalay at nagkaroon ng iba-ibang pinagkakaabalahan kumbaga. Hanggang dumating ang araw na muli, sa hindi sinasadyang pagkakataon ay nagkaroon kami ng pagkakataong magkausap na muli.
Ang pag-uusap ay sadyang biglaan at wala sa hinagap namin. Lungkot? Pangungulila? Paghahanap ng kausap? Kasabikan? Ilan lamang marahil sa mga dahilang maaaring ikabit sa aming muling pagkikita. Hindi na naman pinag-usapan kung ano nga bang nagtulak sa amin sa isa’t –isa para muling magkita.
Ang alam ko, nagkasundo kaming magkikita. Mahabang kwentuhan, pagbabalik sa nakaraan, pag-iisip sa kasalukuyan, intelektuwal na usapan hanggang sa isang pisikal na koneksyon. Lahat ng iyan, naulit, nangyari pero sa pagkakataong ito alam ko mas kapana-panabik. At sa pagkakataong ito higit naming kilala kahit paano ang ugali ng isa’t-isa.
Mabait siya at masarap kausap, matalino at matapang humarap sa buhay. Bilib nga ako sa kanya, isa siyang halimbawa para sa akin. Hindi ko nga lang nasabi sa kanya ito ng harapan. Sa kung anong dahilan, kahit pa kami ay magkakilala na ng matagal ay marami pa ding hindi nasasagot na tanong.
Sa buhay ko ngayon, masasabi kong nanatili siya sa akin. Sabi niya ako din daw naman sa kanya, pero duwag akong alamin kung anong antas. SA akin, alam kong minsan sa nagdaan panahon napag-isipan kong maaaring siya at kung hinde man ay karapat-dapat itago bilang isang matalik na kaibigan.
Natapos ang araw na aming muli pagkikita at pagsasama. Marahil sa ilang buwang nakalipas ng buhay kong magulo, nakaramdam ako muli ng seguridad at di ko naiwasang muling mag-isip kung pede ko bang ibukas ang pagkakataon ito. Sa isang relasyon. Handa na ba ako? Kung hinde man sa kanya ay sa iba?
Hindi namin pinag-usapan ito. Walang pangako, walang garantiya kung kelan muli at kung paano nga ba kami. Hindi din kasi ako matapang, at siya marahil ay hinde ang tipong mauunang magsalita, o kaya sadyang para sa kanya ay hanggang ditto na lang muna.
Isang simpleng hiling lang ang aking nasabi sa kanya, “…You told me kanina na di ka na gaya ng dati. Sana nga true..Di ko alam what brought us back last night. But am sure am glad to reconnect with you. Here’s hoping you will never walk far away like you did before...”
Isang simpleng tugon lang ang aking natanggap, “Don’t worry I won’t.” Sapat na marahil para mapanatag akong di na kami magkakalimutan ng sobrang kaytagal.
Tadhana ang nagsabi marahil at karanasan ang bumuhay at pagkakataon ang nagpatibay. Lahat tayo ay mga butil ng buhangin sa dagat na inaanod ng tubig , dumadanas ng buhay at sa bawat ginawa natin ang tadhana ay nakaguhit sa isang maayos na pagkakatahi ng buhay. Gaya niya at ako, nagsalubong ang landas, nagkalayo, at muling nagkita.
Tadhana kaya ang nagsabi?
Isang araw na lang nagising ka, iba ang pakiramdam mo. Isang pagkakataon ang di mo inaasahang darating sa iyong buhay. Malungkot ka, galing ka sa isang masalimuot na bahagi ng iyong buhay.
Ngunit sa kabilang banda, sa isang di naman kalayuang nakaraan. Gawa ng isang gawaing inakala mong mali ay mabubuhay ang usbong ng tadhana. Sa iyong pagyao sa hinaharap ay may mga epektong magaganap na nakaayon sa ginawa mo mula sa di kalayuang nakaraan.
Lahat tayo sa ating mahal na buhay ay dumaan sa mga karanasan, pangit o maganda man. Lahat ay nag-iwan ng isang marka na tanging ikaw lang ang makakapagsabi kung ito’y pawang ayon sa iyong kagustuhan o hindi.
Tanda ko, sa aking buhay mga ilang taon na ang dumaraan. Mga halos mag-aapat na taon na kung aking bibilanging talaga may nakilala akong tao na naging bahagi ng buhay ko.
Wala ako sa kapangyarihan para ihayag ko ang lahat subalit ito’y ayon lamang sa aking gagawing paglalahad.
Minsan sa buhay natin ay dumadaan tayo sa bahaging may hinahanap-hanap tayo at gustong patunayan sa sarili. Sa di inaasahang pagkakataon ay nahahanap natin ang sagot sa mga nakakasalamuha, nakikilala at nakikita natin sa ating paligid.
Ang aking naging karanasan sa taong ito. Ang aking naging relasyon sa taong ito ay masasabing isang mabilisan, hindi inaasahan. Gayunpaman, sa buhay minsan lang tayo makakatagpo ng tao na may iiwang marka sa iyo, sa iyong sariling pagkatao. At pakiwari mo ba’y nasa kanya ang mga tanong na bumabagabag sa iyo. Hindi ba tama?
Minsan ang taong hindi mo inaaakalang siya palang magbibigay ng malaking impluwensya o epekto sa iyo ang siyang dumadating. Masasabi ko ganito ang nangyari sa akin. Pero sadyang malupit ang pagkakataon, sapagkat hindi lahat ng nais mo ay ibinibigay niya. Sa madaling salita, siya na naging espesyal sa buhay ko ay nawala, umalis, nagpakalayo-layo.
Wala kaming pormal na sistema kung iisipin pero ako ay marahil umaasa na mapagwagian ko ang simpatya at tiwala niya. Bagay na sa aking pakiwari ay nagawa ko naman. Subalit sadyang para sa kanya noong mga panahong iyon ay tila marahil ako’y hangin lang na dumaan sa kanyang buhay.
Subalit ang hangin pala ay bumabalik, umiikot lang.
Minsan sa isang araw ng aking buhay bumalik ang pagkakataon. Nagkita kami. Akala ko nga ay limot niya na ako. Akala ko nga hinde na niya ako mapapansin pa. Pinutol ko na din kasi ang tanging naging ugnayan naming sa loob ng halos apat na taon ng buhay ko, ang cell phone number kong luma. Nang magpalit ako ng numero ay hindi na ako nag-abala pang ipabatid sa kanya na may bagong numero na ako. Bakit? Ito’y sa kadahilanang dumating ako sa punto sa loob ng 4 na taong dumaan na nabatid kong hinde siya ganoong naging ka-interesado sa akin upang maging seryoso or sadyang kahit maging magkaibigan lang kami.
Sa loob ng apat na taon maraming nangyari sa buhay naming dalawa. Namuhay ng hiwalay at nagkaroon ng iba-ibang pinagkakaabalahan kumbaga. Hanggang dumating ang araw na muli, sa hindi sinasadyang pagkakataon ay nagkaroon kami ng pagkakataong magkausap na muli.
Ang pag-uusap ay sadyang biglaan at wala sa hinagap namin. Lungkot? Pangungulila? Paghahanap ng kausap? Kasabikan? Ilan lamang marahil sa mga dahilang maaaring ikabit sa aming muling pagkikita. Hindi na naman pinag-usapan kung ano nga bang nagtulak sa amin sa isa’t –isa para muling magkita.
Ang alam ko, nagkasundo kaming magkikita. Mahabang kwentuhan, pagbabalik sa nakaraan, pag-iisip sa kasalukuyan, intelektuwal na usapan hanggang sa isang pisikal na koneksyon. Lahat ng iyan, naulit, nangyari pero sa pagkakataong ito alam ko mas kapana-panabik. At sa pagkakataong ito higit naming kilala kahit paano ang ugali ng isa’t-isa.
Mabait siya at masarap kausap, matalino at matapang humarap sa buhay. Bilib nga ako sa kanya, isa siyang halimbawa para sa akin. Hindi ko nga lang nasabi sa kanya ito ng harapan. Sa kung anong dahilan, kahit pa kami ay magkakilala na ng matagal ay marami pa ding hindi nasasagot na tanong.
Sa buhay ko ngayon, masasabi kong nanatili siya sa akin. Sabi niya ako din daw naman sa kanya, pero duwag akong alamin kung anong antas. SA akin, alam kong minsan sa nagdaan panahon napag-isipan kong maaaring siya at kung hinde man ay karapat-dapat itago bilang isang matalik na kaibigan.
Natapos ang araw na aming muli pagkikita at pagsasama. Marahil sa ilang buwang nakalipas ng buhay kong magulo, nakaramdam ako muli ng seguridad at di ko naiwasang muling mag-isip kung pede ko bang ibukas ang pagkakataon ito. Sa isang relasyon. Handa na ba ako? Kung hinde man sa kanya ay sa iba?
Hindi namin pinag-usapan ito. Walang pangako, walang garantiya kung kelan muli at kung paano nga ba kami. Hindi din kasi ako matapang, at siya marahil ay hinde ang tipong mauunang magsalita, o kaya sadyang para sa kanya ay hanggang ditto na lang muna.
Isang simpleng hiling lang ang aking nasabi sa kanya, “…You told me kanina na di ka na gaya ng dati. Sana nga true..Di ko alam what brought us back last night. But am sure am glad to reconnect with you. Here’s hoping you will never walk far away like you did before...”
Isang simpleng tugon lang ang aking natanggap, “Don’t worry I won’t.” Sapat na marahil para mapanatag akong di na kami magkakalimutan ng sobrang kaytagal.
Tadhana ang nagsabi marahil at karanasan ang bumuhay at pagkakataon ang nagpatibay. Lahat tayo ay mga butil ng buhangin sa dagat na inaanod ng tubig , dumadanas ng buhay at sa bawat ginawa natin ang tadhana ay nakaguhit sa isang maayos na pagkakatahi ng buhay. Gaya niya at ako, nagsalubong ang landas, nagkalayo, at muling nagkita.
Tadhana kaya ang nagsabi?
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
A Lesson in Patience and Tolerance
My good friend, Mr. JR once told me,” What can I say? That it takes all kinds to make a world? That what people perpetuate in fancy and grandstanding speeches do not necessarily reflect who they are?
A little lesson in patience, my friend...and tolerance. If you feel your boss embodies a sickening duality, then that HIS problem. No act of pretense can last forever, you know. What is important is that you focus on what you truly want and channel your energies to the fulfillment of your ambitions…lofty or otherwise. We cannot simply surround ourselves with ONLY PEOPLE we choose to like. That is not the way of the world.”
Those beautiful words are not always slammed into your very face each day of your life right? But for me it was one of the many inspiring advices I’ve heard regarding patience.
For a while now, I’ve worked with an individual whom I discovered to be just like any others. Yet he claims he’s perfect and Godly. What a sin to heaven?!
I am in no liberty to discuss his name. He’s a big influential person. He has connections to the high official of this land. His personality to them was good, extraordinary and excellent. But of course, that’s how they knew him in social gatherings, events and functions.
I got the chance to work with him. In that span of time, I learned his other nature to be impatient, inconsiderate, overly perfectionists and will shout at you if you commit even a slight mistake. This guy is sick I thought to myself. I got so disappointed because that was really different from how I first knew him. After weeks of being with him, he started to act strangely and I know something is wrong. I never imagined that his strange character will be cast upon me.
I adored him for a time yet it all changed at one snap. I tried to reason it to myself maybe he’s just pressured. So I continued with my work and duties, setting aside the emotional turmoil that I was already feeling that time. He has not change from the time he has shown me his other side. At first, I did not want to be affected with his attitude. I tried to be more objective about it to the point I felt am justifying his inconsistent behavior, sacrificing my own beliefs on fair and equality among beings.
I grew quite tired as days went by and my stress hormone was in saturation all over my body. So I knew I have to go. I tried to talk with him, but I did not get a very positive response. He did not want me to go, because according to him we have a verbal agreement and that my word of honor is at stake.
I told him that is why I want to talk with him so we can meet in the middle? Isn’t that right? But he did not allow it.
I then have to formalize my goodbye by giving him a letter which when I handed he readily set aside and pretend nothing happened. Yet I know when I left him, he has read it. Why? It is because during that day that I gave him the letter, he has directly tried to accuse me of work inconsistencies which did not happen in my first few days with him. I knew he was trying to make me angry or speak back at him which I did not. I wrote again a letter explaining my side and already stating my last will about my works with him. That was it, the last word I said to him was “God bless.”
Later on, I learned that prior to me he had employed other staffs that did not stay long like me. So I guess there must something wrong with him. He is not even in good terms with his relatives as I know.
Behind all his honors that will fade with time, is a man not perfect. It is very disappointing to note that such grandstanding image emanates a blur aura of emotional hurts or setbacks. That is being inflicted on innocent people surrounding him.
A little patience and tolerance like my friend Mr. JR told me. And I’d say compassion as well. On that note, I was thinking if I have learned patience and tolerance or did I lose it and have succumbed. What about my self-respect, confidence that is slowly bursting away because of the harsh spoken words thrown just to disgrace me, the million “other Filipinos” he is pertaining to, the type of school where I came from?
I learned that patience and tolerance is earned and incurred in that experience of mine. Although I have spoken back at him at times, I know I was just stating a fact. A man is tamed only if he allows it to happen.
What most big time people do not realize is that God molded us in different patterns. They cannot change the world but we change can start with themselves in time. God did not dictate to His people to change overtime which powerful people on this planet acting like God wants to do to the average being. While it is true that many people choose to live a low life, it is not a good barometer of their totality that they are lesser, unfortunate or animal likes. This is also true to those people that live and have achieved high but are not exactly the type of high class individual they try to convey with others around them. It will take a great amount of understanding to love each others individuality. I have read before in a book of highly effective living that each must try to understand each other that is, exert tolerance so to speak. It will help in your excursion on this Earth.
Patience is a virtue. I have heard it over so many times. It is so inspiring in a way. But while it is true, do you believe that in all occasion patience and tolerance is always the winning gun? The question of, Does every golden rule applies in every situation of life? I dare say, “Not in all.”
I have been finding ways to practice patience or serenity. And so it will take my self more practice to achieve it largely. This will hold true to others as well, big time or average being.
Patience is practice and needed when we deal with people. It is necessary when we talk to someone who is lesser of knowledge, which is simple understanding.
Patience is a must have when we feel that nothing can be achieved if we will just try to outwit each other’s guts or intelligence, which is simple generosity in giving credit to whom it is due. This is what outwitting politicians need.
Patience is required to a leader. No ounce of achievement can be boasted to others if you cannot even exude an excellent amount of patience to anyone. Patience is one type of honor that will not die with time.
Patience is a practice that all individuals must realize, like me. It is not necessary if we have stumbled down. It is vital though that we learned to actualize tolerance, patience, or serenity in each of our steps.
I am not preaching this thing out loud if I have not learned this thing the hard way in my experience. I am not perfect. But experience is the best teacher so I would like to share it all with you.
Life is a continuous journey. It will take a lot of patience not just for you but also to him, to her, to me, to my friends, to my love ones, to my enemies to attain each of our goals. Some of us have been patient and tolerant to have won and achieve while others have taken steps to actualize it and have slightly gain honor from it. On the contrary, there are others that learned it the hard way. By learning it, they have to go down and must take the longer course or lesson.
This is not just a little lesson in patience and tolerance. This is an essential itinerary in life. We must remember it.
A little lesson in patience, my friend...and tolerance. If you feel your boss embodies a sickening duality, then that HIS problem. No act of pretense can last forever, you know. What is important is that you focus on what you truly want and channel your energies to the fulfillment of your ambitions…lofty or otherwise. We cannot simply surround ourselves with ONLY PEOPLE we choose to like. That is not the way of the world.”
Those beautiful words are not always slammed into your very face each day of your life right? But for me it was one of the many inspiring advices I’ve heard regarding patience.
For a while now, I’ve worked with an individual whom I discovered to be just like any others. Yet he claims he’s perfect and Godly. What a sin to heaven?!
I am in no liberty to discuss his name. He’s a big influential person. He has connections to the high official of this land. His personality to them was good, extraordinary and excellent. But of course, that’s how they knew him in social gatherings, events and functions.
I got the chance to work with him. In that span of time, I learned his other nature to be impatient, inconsiderate, overly perfectionists and will shout at you if you commit even a slight mistake. This guy is sick I thought to myself. I got so disappointed because that was really different from how I first knew him. After weeks of being with him, he started to act strangely and I know something is wrong. I never imagined that his strange character will be cast upon me.
I adored him for a time yet it all changed at one snap. I tried to reason it to myself maybe he’s just pressured. So I continued with my work and duties, setting aside the emotional turmoil that I was already feeling that time. He has not change from the time he has shown me his other side. At first, I did not want to be affected with his attitude. I tried to be more objective about it to the point I felt am justifying his inconsistent behavior, sacrificing my own beliefs on fair and equality among beings.
I grew quite tired as days went by and my stress hormone was in saturation all over my body. So I knew I have to go. I tried to talk with him, but I did not get a very positive response. He did not want me to go, because according to him we have a verbal agreement and that my word of honor is at stake.
I told him that is why I want to talk with him so we can meet in the middle? Isn’t that right? But he did not allow it.
I then have to formalize my goodbye by giving him a letter which when I handed he readily set aside and pretend nothing happened. Yet I know when I left him, he has read it. Why? It is because during that day that I gave him the letter, he has directly tried to accuse me of work inconsistencies which did not happen in my first few days with him. I knew he was trying to make me angry or speak back at him which I did not. I wrote again a letter explaining my side and already stating my last will about my works with him. That was it, the last word I said to him was “God bless.”
Later on, I learned that prior to me he had employed other staffs that did not stay long like me. So I guess there must something wrong with him. He is not even in good terms with his relatives as I know.
Behind all his honors that will fade with time, is a man not perfect. It is very disappointing to note that such grandstanding image emanates a blur aura of emotional hurts or setbacks. That is being inflicted on innocent people surrounding him.
A little patience and tolerance like my friend Mr. JR told me. And I’d say compassion as well. On that note, I was thinking if I have learned patience and tolerance or did I lose it and have succumbed. What about my self-respect, confidence that is slowly bursting away because of the harsh spoken words thrown just to disgrace me, the million “other Filipinos” he is pertaining to, the type of school where I came from?
I learned that patience and tolerance is earned and incurred in that experience of mine. Although I have spoken back at him at times, I know I was just stating a fact. A man is tamed only if he allows it to happen.
What most big time people do not realize is that God molded us in different patterns. They cannot change the world but we change can start with themselves in time. God did not dictate to His people to change overtime which powerful people on this planet acting like God wants to do to the average being. While it is true that many people choose to live a low life, it is not a good barometer of their totality that they are lesser, unfortunate or animal likes. This is also true to those people that live and have achieved high but are not exactly the type of high class individual they try to convey with others around them. It will take a great amount of understanding to love each others individuality. I have read before in a book of highly effective living that each must try to understand each other that is, exert tolerance so to speak. It will help in your excursion on this Earth.
Patience is a virtue. I have heard it over so many times. It is so inspiring in a way. But while it is true, do you believe that in all occasion patience and tolerance is always the winning gun? The question of, Does every golden rule applies in every situation of life? I dare say, “Not in all.”
I have been finding ways to practice patience or serenity. And so it will take my self more practice to achieve it largely. This will hold true to others as well, big time or average being.
Patience is practice and needed when we deal with people. It is necessary when we talk to someone who is lesser of knowledge, which is simple understanding.
Patience is a must have when we feel that nothing can be achieved if we will just try to outwit each other’s guts or intelligence, which is simple generosity in giving credit to whom it is due. This is what outwitting politicians need.
Patience is required to a leader. No ounce of achievement can be boasted to others if you cannot even exude an excellent amount of patience to anyone. Patience is one type of honor that will not die with time.
Patience is a practice that all individuals must realize, like me. It is not necessary if we have stumbled down. It is vital though that we learned to actualize tolerance, patience, or serenity in each of our steps.
I am not preaching this thing out loud if I have not learned this thing the hard way in my experience. I am not perfect. But experience is the best teacher so I would like to share it all with you.
Life is a continuous journey. It will take a lot of patience not just for you but also to him, to her, to me, to my friends, to my love ones, to my enemies to attain each of our goals. Some of us have been patient and tolerant to have won and achieve while others have taken steps to actualize it and have slightly gain honor from it. On the contrary, there are others that learned it the hard way. By learning it, they have to go down and must take the longer course or lesson.
This is not just a little lesson in patience and tolerance. This is an essential itinerary in life. We must remember it.
The German Boss
This is the part 2 of the blog series: The 3 Bosses and the Boss' Son
….and so the story continues.
Time went by and the company of the German boss moved on. Rules were made and implemented, his people quite ok with the trend and happy with their lives. Yet, things are not always positive. The German boss has always been known to have his favorites. Although he will not admit it, he has shown a different treatment among his members. Murmur lingered on that he was in favor of MJ, one of his most capable and bright employee. There was no question that MJ is good at work that is why he earned the adulation of the German boss. Yet, MJ grew to be quite over confident which made his co-workers a bit unease about it.
There came a point when MJ, being the good worker that he is had gone overboard. The rules being implemented by the German boss got spoiled. It happened because it turned out that the rules in place are not necessarily being implemented for all but only to few. The German boss allowed MJ to break some rules without him getting punish. That prove to be unfair to everyone yet the German boss was not troubled. His staff cannot do anything, they are afraid and they have not been so vocal about their comments anymore since the time that rules were sorted out. Although in the rule, there was a statement saying they can voice out their feelings or grievances. And although there was an assurance it will be given due process, the workers did not bother to comment that much. They have become a bit passive.
It is very understandable why workers at work have become so passive about their grievances towards the rule, the company boss and its essential elements. There is lot of things to consider like their job, high salary, benefits etc. That is quite a package indeed.
Before all this, the German boss had a considerable match in the name of David. Like David and Goliath they are the pair that moved the office into controversy. David is one of the loud voice in their office. It happened years ago when David was still employed in that office. At first, like any young individual David was filled with good hopes and expectation. His first months have been very fruitful and quite innovative. But David, as intelligent, good and quick-wit as he is, was also the voice, the straight-frank lad that foiled him into bad light.
It first happened when the German boss came to him privately that he is talking too much and suggesting too much. What did David think during that time? Well, he was surprised to hear that from the German boss. Although it seems to be a very cordial conversation, from that point on he got a warning. He had to seal his lips a bit and prove to his boss that he’s not just the activist that he is but the work performer. For David, that was a turning point. He felt he’s being eyed and all his acts are monitored. He did not say much to his friends in the office although they knew about the conversation that David and the German boss had.
Time went by that David and the German boss would get into occasional heated discussion that boiled harder and harder. Issues like office rules and some administrative concerns were raised and thrown. David did not bow that much and had to continue questioning the integrity of the rules. Of course, the German boss was pissed off. Yet he did not attack straight-forward. He had his own way by giving David a bad marked on his performance and in addition to this are some words during their one on one evaluation meeting. David is not that easy to be styled or persuaded, he has to defend himself why he should not be getting that grade. Although as it looked like a very democratic conversation, the moment that David made his comments on, he knew that again he is marked. Nevertheless, David did not stop. For him, it was a chance and if he’s not going to discuss the issue then it will be over.
Such encounters between David and Goliath (the German boss) were milestone. But it ended quite not satisfying.
The company that the German boss manages had a trouble maintaining everyone on board so to speak. So they opted to retrenched seven people in the company. The reason for the down-sizing was money. But the reason for how the 7 people were chosen was not discussed. The German boss said the choice was made through evaluation. It was kind of hard to believe. Everyone was shocked with the event and had been clipped with their wings. Some commented and had to contend themselves with murmurs. Others voiced out their thoughts and had to feel very down. The German boss looked like a good dog. It is not clear how he really feels about cutting the size of his staff. Yet, what made that event controversial was the choice of people he had to draw. Most of the people in that roster were loud-voice at some points. It’s like cutting and trimming all the thorns in the branch so that things will be smoother for him. It’s also unbelievable ‘coz it seemed that his favoritism showed up by simply letting go of the others that are far better than those left behind.
Now, each has their own lives. The seven lucky individual have gone to many places in their walk of lives. The people that were left behind are now all big time earners but still full of reserved feelings. They have grown passive and have not really stepped up to speak much. Take note though, they are richer now. Money for silence? Maybe it does not apply to everyone.
The German boss is still the same old person. By old person meaning, exuding dual nature that is good and bad. He continues to play the role of the puppet master in that office. Making his people believe he’s all fair and good.
It can be said that some of his subordinates are in favor of his acts, deeds and craziness. Why not! They enjoy his favor. It’s like leeches on the back of the buffalo.
On the other hand, some did remain in the middle while slowly building their dreams and earning, having the benefits that is due to them. Passive-wise individuals!
Others remained with their sharpened claws and continue with the legacy of the original activist. Who knows what is going to happen next?
The German boss has remained strong. Admittedly, he has the character of a real boss. Although he is not that admirable, he has shown strength and will to govern. He cannot simply please all of his subordinates yet he remained strong to the point of sacrificing the perfect adoration of everyone that knew him. On the contrary, with his character he has already sculptured his path to dissection of people that knew him in and out of his work and curricular activities.
The German boss’ character, ways and deeds is just one of the many faces in the history of the corporate tycoon there exists. And the character of his subordinates is simply one of the many types there exists in the working class. Which one are you? Or you’re not anyone of them? Maybe you’ll be in the next story.
THE END
COMING SOON…The Brat Boss
….and so the story continues.
Time went by and the company of the German boss moved on. Rules were made and implemented, his people quite ok with the trend and happy with their lives. Yet, things are not always positive. The German boss has always been known to have his favorites. Although he will not admit it, he has shown a different treatment among his members. Murmur lingered on that he was in favor of MJ, one of his most capable and bright employee. There was no question that MJ is good at work that is why he earned the adulation of the German boss. Yet, MJ grew to be quite over confident which made his co-workers a bit unease about it.
There came a point when MJ, being the good worker that he is had gone overboard. The rules being implemented by the German boss got spoiled. It happened because it turned out that the rules in place are not necessarily being implemented for all but only to few. The German boss allowed MJ to break some rules without him getting punish. That prove to be unfair to everyone yet the German boss was not troubled. His staff cannot do anything, they are afraid and they have not been so vocal about their comments anymore since the time that rules were sorted out. Although in the rule, there was a statement saying they can voice out their feelings or grievances. And although there was an assurance it will be given due process, the workers did not bother to comment that much. They have become a bit passive.
It is very understandable why workers at work have become so passive about their grievances towards the rule, the company boss and its essential elements. There is lot of things to consider like their job, high salary, benefits etc. That is quite a package indeed.
Before all this, the German boss had a considerable match in the name of David. Like David and Goliath they are the pair that moved the office into controversy. David is one of the loud voice in their office. It happened years ago when David was still employed in that office. At first, like any young individual David was filled with good hopes and expectation. His first months have been very fruitful and quite innovative. But David, as intelligent, good and quick-wit as he is, was also the voice, the straight-frank lad that foiled him into bad light.
It first happened when the German boss came to him privately that he is talking too much and suggesting too much. What did David think during that time? Well, he was surprised to hear that from the German boss. Although it seems to be a very cordial conversation, from that point on he got a warning. He had to seal his lips a bit and prove to his boss that he’s not just the activist that he is but the work performer. For David, that was a turning point. He felt he’s being eyed and all his acts are monitored. He did not say much to his friends in the office although they knew about the conversation that David and the German boss had.
Time went by that David and the German boss would get into occasional heated discussion that boiled harder and harder. Issues like office rules and some administrative concerns were raised and thrown. David did not bow that much and had to continue questioning the integrity of the rules. Of course, the German boss was pissed off. Yet he did not attack straight-forward. He had his own way by giving David a bad marked on his performance and in addition to this are some words during their one on one evaluation meeting. David is not that easy to be styled or persuaded, he has to defend himself why he should not be getting that grade. Although as it looked like a very democratic conversation, the moment that David made his comments on, he knew that again he is marked. Nevertheless, David did not stop. For him, it was a chance and if he’s not going to discuss the issue then it will be over.
Such encounters between David and Goliath (the German boss) were milestone. But it ended quite not satisfying.
The company that the German boss manages had a trouble maintaining everyone on board so to speak. So they opted to retrenched seven people in the company. The reason for the down-sizing was money. But the reason for how the 7 people were chosen was not discussed. The German boss said the choice was made through evaluation. It was kind of hard to believe. Everyone was shocked with the event and had been clipped with their wings. Some commented and had to contend themselves with murmurs. Others voiced out their thoughts and had to feel very down. The German boss looked like a good dog. It is not clear how he really feels about cutting the size of his staff. Yet, what made that event controversial was the choice of people he had to draw. Most of the people in that roster were loud-voice at some points. It’s like cutting and trimming all the thorns in the branch so that things will be smoother for him. It’s also unbelievable ‘coz it seemed that his favoritism showed up by simply letting go of the others that are far better than those left behind.
Now, each has their own lives. The seven lucky individual have gone to many places in their walk of lives. The people that were left behind are now all big time earners but still full of reserved feelings. They have grown passive and have not really stepped up to speak much. Take note though, they are richer now. Money for silence? Maybe it does not apply to everyone.
The German boss is still the same old person. By old person meaning, exuding dual nature that is good and bad. He continues to play the role of the puppet master in that office. Making his people believe he’s all fair and good.
It can be said that some of his subordinates are in favor of his acts, deeds and craziness. Why not! They enjoy his favor. It’s like leeches on the back of the buffalo.
On the other hand, some did remain in the middle while slowly building their dreams and earning, having the benefits that is due to them. Passive-wise individuals!
Others remained with their sharpened claws and continue with the legacy of the original activist. Who knows what is going to happen next?
The German boss has remained strong. Admittedly, he has the character of a real boss. Although he is not that admirable, he has shown strength and will to govern. He cannot simply please all of his subordinates yet he remained strong to the point of sacrificing the perfect adoration of everyone that knew him. On the contrary, with his character he has already sculptured his path to dissection of people that knew him in and out of his work and curricular activities.
The German boss’ character, ways and deeds is just one of the many faces in the history of the corporate tycoon there exists. And the character of his subordinates is simply one of the many types there exists in the working class. Which one are you? Or you’re not anyone of them? Maybe you’ll be in the next story.
THE END
COMING SOON…The Brat Boss
Thursday, February 12, 2004
A Valentine Offering
Be my valentine just for a while
Be my someone special just for a time
I love you and I need you
You are the one for me, don't you know?
It started as an admiration
Now its an infectious emotion
Am so down without you
My life is in shamble right now
You are the sweet pill I need to swallow...
It is such a shame for me
'Coz I know you don't really want me
But what can I do, I do like you
No matter what and no matter how
I am the one for you and no one else
Forgive me 'coz am coward to say this
But I know somehow you know
That I have this special thing for you
All I ask of you, give me chance
Or I'll lose my heart in a glance
Be my someone special just for a time
I love you and I need you
You are the one for me, don't you know?
It started as an admiration
Now its an infectious emotion
Am so down without you
My life is in shamble right now
You are the sweet pill I need to swallow...
It is such a shame for me
'Coz I know you don't really want me
But what can I do, I do like you
No matter what and no matter how
I am the one for you and no one else
Forgive me 'coz am coward to say this
But I know somehow you know
That I have this special thing for you
All I ask of you, give me chance
Or I'll lose my heart in a glance
Thursday, February 05, 2004
The 3 bosses and the boss' son
It's always a horrifying experience when times at work doesn't alway feel good. Why? We can probably attribute it with the bosses we encounter each day of our lives.
In my three years of work experience I've come across with only one type of boss. All of them are kind of superior and blatantly disrespectful at times to their subordinates. These bosses tend to break the rule of equality so to speak. PErhaps because of what we can call "boss syndrome" the power that they have harnessed in their mind, body and spirit is so uncontainable to them. With that, they cannot even step back or moved down to a level of understanding that can benefit or create a win-win solution between parties involved.
Let me share with you the story of the 3 bosses and the boss' son. Since this is going to be a very long story I will be serializing it so it won't be that hard to read.
THE GERMAN BOSS
At one look , he's good looking. At one touch he's warm and exciting. Yet at one mistake, he's a german shepherd. That's the german boss.
It was a very tough experience for people who have worked with him. He seems to exude compassion but tyranny lies in its basic reality. He's a superior officer, manager of a start up medium enterprise. Usually, if you are a company with small population, interaction and communication is best practiced. Employees are encourage to participate in rule making and are ask or consulted on various grounds that will affect the company as a whole. Well, the german boss is so warm and encouraging about this. Yet things do get turned into a bitter and cold level when the things that are being discussed are way too hard to accept in the mind of this german boss. The "boss syndrome" is jerking around his physicality and mentality. I thought it's a democratic company but when the employees started stating their suggestion based on what the labor code says, the german boss doesn't accept much what the law states. That was avery big problem...
(to be continued)
In my three years of work experience I've come across with only one type of boss. All of them are kind of superior and blatantly disrespectful at times to their subordinates. These bosses tend to break the rule of equality so to speak. PErhaps because of what we can call "boss syndrome" the power that they have harnessed in their mind, body and spirit is so uncontainable to them. With that, they cannot even step back or moved down to a level of understanding that can benefit or create a win-win solution between parties involved.
Let me share with you the story of the 3 bosses and the boss' son. Since this is going to be a very long story I will be serializing it so it won't be that hard to read.
THE GERMAN BOSS
At one look , he's good looking. At one touch he's warm and exciting. Yet at one mistake, he's a german shepherd. That's the german boss.
It was a very tough experience for people who have worked with him. He seems to exude compassion but tyranny lies in its basic reality. He's a superior officer, manager of a start up medium enterprise. Usually, if you are a company with small population, interaction and communication is best practiced. Employees are encourage to participate in rule making and are ask or consulted on various grounds that will affect the company as a whole. Well, the german boss is so warm and encouraging about this. Yet things do get turned into a bitter and cold level when the things that are being discussed are way too hard to accept in the mind of this german boss. The "boss syndrome" is jerking around his physicality and mentality. I thought it's a democratic company but when the employees started stating their suggestion based on what the labor code says, the german boss doesn't accept much what the law states. That was avery big problem...
(to be continued)
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Today and Yesterday then Tomorrow
Today is the day and can be considered the start of something that we are yet to see unless it happens. Yesterday is a memory, good or bad.
Yesterday I had to struggle again from my thought of not doing anything except to stay bum. And so it was yesterday that I had to go to my work training and commit a lot of set backs that expanded up to this present day. I don't know why and what has happened. It seems to me that the planets, moon and stars are not in the mood to motivate my jolly, inspired and energetic vibe.
Today as I've said, my feelings from yesterday had extended. Why do I have to undergo an "off" mind in two consecutive days? I don't want this feeling 'cause it affects my performance. I mean , at this point I don't have anything to think about. I am in hibernation from much work, so it is less corrupting. But yesterday and today, I had to struggle from an unknown feeling that even I cannot understand.
This feeling did affect my work training and it's not a very good sign. Although now, at the time I am writing this article, I am on my way home. I just drop by the net station to express this unresolve thought.
Life is mysterious as it has always been. Yesterday and today is just like any ordinary day but I did not feel good, light and joyous at all. Another mood swing that foiled me into a sudden drop of feeling that I have hope to uplift. Hay!
Oh well, it's not a very big deal. If I would be thinking much about it then it is. I guess I have to let it out and take a deep breath. In a matter of time, the evening sky will reflect darkness and I can't afford to let this unwanted feeling extend again to another day, that is tomorrow.
Yesterday I had to struggle again from my thought of not doing anything except to stay bum. And so it was yesterday that I had to go to my work training and commit a lot of set backs that expanded up to this present day. I don't know why and what has happened. It seems to me that the planets, moon and stars are not in the mood to motivate my jolly, inspired and energetic vibe.
Today as I've said, my feelings from yesterday had extended. Why do I have to undergo an "off" mind in two consecutive days? I don't want this feeling 'cause it affects my performance. I mean , at this point I don't have anything to think about. I am in hibernation from much work, so it is less corrupting. But yesterday and today, I had to struggle from an unknown feeling that even I cannot understand.
This feeling did affect my work training and it's not a very good sign. Although now, at the time I am writing this article, I am on my way home. I just drop by the net station to express this unresolve thought.
Life is mysterious as it has always been. Yesterday and today is just like any ordinary day but I did not feel good, light and joyous at all. Another mood swing that foiled me into a sudden drop of feeling that I have hope to uplift. Hay!
Oh well, it's not a very big deal. If I would be thinking much about it then it is. I guess I have to let it out and take a deep breath. In a matter of time, the evening sky will reflect darkness and I can't afford to let this unwanted feeling extend again to another day, that is tomorrow.
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