INDEPENDENCE DAY SPECIAL: Confuse Filipino

PGMA and her allies are in big big trouble lately. So what is new? The Filipinos are always hounded by political instability and turmoil. Since the time when the 2nd World War, this country is always in the running field but it never came to a point that it reach some point of progress.

Back then, the world was recovering and so the Philippines is like one of the best countries. As they said, we were more advanced than our neighboring countries before. The effect of American colonization on this country has certainly affected the lives of many people. Good and bad, the American presence to this country was something...

Philippine Independence day is just a couple of days away. Looking back and being a Filipino, I am in such big question why this country never really made it big in the world in terms of economic stability & political maturity.

So many ideas are lurking inside my head as to why and what is the reason behind Philippines rise and fall so to speak. Filipinos as they said lack the discipline, they have strong regionalism, overly religious belief, high streak crab mentality and ever rising brain drain are some of the obvious answers that I could think of.

I am in big trouble perhaps because as part of this country, I am not in a secure situation. I am not fully enjoying the good life, the good society, the progress.

If we will only learn. Well, that is what I can say. Many of us are always complaining and trying to destroy the reputation of somebody just to grab power and success. That is one Filipino behavior that has been with us for so many years now. Sad to say and as truth really hurts, this behavior kept us hanging on the drain hole.

Moving forward, I must say I am not a good citizen of this country. Why? Because like most people, I complain, I don't feel the sense of nationalism that most advocate of nationalism would feel. I am not very supportive of the government for I have always put a negative connotation to its governance.

Oh well, as of this writing I cannot think of something good to end this expression....my mind is in limbo and so many thoughts are coming inside my head. Mixed expressions and thoughts about my beloved Philippines....

In short, maybe like most Filipinos, I am confuse and I do not know what direction I should take to live my life as Filipino citizen. At the same time, I am dissatisfied with what my life has turned out to be in my country, like how the Philippine economy had been going through UPS and DOWNS. So much for this...

With that, I can only, "Mabuhay pa din ang Pilipinas! Kasihan nawa tayo ng pagpapala ng Diyos at Kanyang pagmamahal."

SERYENG TAGALOG : Kay Haiku730

Liwanag sa aking madilim na pananaw
Magiting na kabalyero ng aking buhay
Isang makisig na kasama
Tunay na sa akin ikaw ay mahalaga Mahal kita...

Tanglaw sa aking landas
Isang lakas na bumubuo sa aking nanghihinang diwa
Masarap kasama, mainit at nag-alab
Tunay na sa akin ikaw ay mahalaga Mahal kita...

Walang sinuman ang aangkin sa iyo sa akin
Labis na ako sa iyo'y nahumaling
Tapat kitang iibigin, iyong kalinga'y aking nanamnamin
Tunay na sa akin ikaw ay mahalaga Mahal kita...aking sinta!

SERYENG TAGALOG (Tuloy-tuloy lang) : Sa isang sulok ng asul na hinaing

Nais kong mabuhay kasama kayong lahat sa isang kahariang walang sakit at lumbay. Nitong mga huling araw ako ay dumadaan sa isang kritikal na pagkakataon. Muli ako ay sinusumpong ng takot, ng pangamba at pangungulila.

Ako'y waring isang nawawalang kuting na natatakot sa kung anong kahihinatnan ng lahat ng mga nangyayari sa akin nitong mga huling araw. Sa katunayan nga lang, hinde naman ako nababahala ng lubos na ako'y mawawalan ng trabaho sa susunod na mga araw ngunit ako ay nag-iisip kung anong maganda kong gawin upang ibsan ang napipintong tagtuyot sa aking buhay karera.

Ako'y tila isang inakay na nangangambang di na ako datnan ng aking ina sa aking pugad dahil baka ako'y kainin na ng kalaban. Sa katunayan ang aking pangamba kahit paano ay nagpipilit humulagpos sa aking katauhan. Sari-saring paraan ng pagsasaya ang aking ginagawa para lamang kahit paano ay maging maayos ang pagtingin ko sa lahat ng ito. Hindi ko naman ito tinatakasan pero nais kong maging balanse at normal lang itong aking buhay sa kabila ng lahat.

Ako'y tila isang babae na naghihintay sa pagbabalik o pagdating ng aking minamahal. Ilang buwan na ng lumisan sa aking piling ang isang mahalagang tao sa aking buhay pag-ibig. Mula noon di na ako naging normal. Hinahanap ko ata ang katangian niya sa ibang mga nakikilala ko sa aking paglabas at pagbisita sa internet. Ewan ko ba, sadyang alam ko ngayon na ako'y nabulid sa kanya at kung kaya sa pagkakataong ito hinde ko na din nakikitang masaya ako sa pagpunta punta ko sa mga bahay aliwan o sayawan kung saan ko maaaring makilala si ginoo ng aking buhay.

Ang internet sa ngayon ang siyang nagbibigay daan upang makausap ko ang aking Marso at siya'y makapiling subalit hinde ito kasiguruhan para sa amin. Kaalinsabay nito ang pagdating ng mga ibang buwan ng kakisigan na aking nakakausap at nakakakilala ng personal. Kung minsan naisip ko ayos lang makipag-usap at makipagkilala sa ganitong paraan pero hinde din pala lalo na't nagkita na kayo at lahat ng hinahanap mo o hinahanap niya ay di nagtugma sa gusto niyo. Ito'y nagiging isang kabaliwan at kabalintunaan na lamang. Masakit din minsan kasi nararamdaman mong ito na sana pero hinde pa pala. Siya na sana pero hinde naman nagtatagal at nawawala din.
Pangungulila at paghahanap ng sandigan at kakapitan ang aking nais na maayos sa susunod na araw. Pagod na ako, masasabi kong ako'y sobrang pagod. Nais kong lumigaya ngunit di sa paraang sandali lamang ang dulot o hatid na pakiramdam.

Sana sa isang sulok na asul, masabi ko din na di lang hinaing ito kundi kasiyahang kwento din minsan pa ang aking maibahagi sa inyong lahat...

JT

Out of the blue expression: Sleepless Night

I was gasping and basically in the restless mood last night. I enjoyed a good dinner, farewell party for a Malaysian friend. It was a good night, fun and delightful at some point. We all headed for home before midnight strikes.

At last, at home, I get to enjoy the warm bed on a warm humid night. I slept for almost 3 hours and suddenly I saw myself in pain, in an uncomfortable feeling, in a very confuse state. Dreaming or for real? This is the question that I asked myself. It was like I am awake but also asleep. It was like, I am lying down but also up.

Finally, I stood up and it was like a relief. A freedom that I desire from the sleepless night that I am experiencing. I am very tired. I am at the same time reflective of the situation that I just saw. I saw what I cannot really describe and devour. I am in confusion maybe. My brain has been processing a lot of thoughts lately and perhaps last night it all burst out.

I've had been in many sleepless nights in the past, but last night I felt it was such an extra sleepless night. In 7 months, I have always been very comfortable with my situation. Maybe the changes that I am about to encounter soon is making me look back and think much.

Sleepless night...

Out of the blue expressions: Long Weekend Aftermath

I am blessed to live my life this past four days. YES! Why?!

I spent the long weekend mostly with my family. We had a reunion so to speak and turned out to be a spontaneous effort to go out of town all of a sudden. These kind of things seldom happen due to our busy skeds and separate lives. But this long weekend experience is something worth writing right now.

I am perhaps looking for the strength and support that I can master from my kinsmen. I am losing my grip and my told these past days as I enter a new career crossroad which is also being hit with occassional love worries. The long weekend gave me enough time to reflect and think of what I must do with my life once again. A new level of awareness that I need to shuffle within my energy field so that I won't lose my track was ignited. My time with my family helped me a lot.

On the other side, I will be honest to say that the long weekend was also quite a bore, come to think of it. I missed my chances in going out with my friends and party. I opted to be on the side for these past 4 days so I paid for it. For a while, I detached my self from the scene thinking I may get something new out of family "thingy" experience. There was no regret to a minute that I was with them. It was a pleasant , simple experience and well grounded.

I am thinking now. I am wishing that after this storm, I will be able to decide clearly on my next move. I wish I will be stronger and more secure. I wish I will be able to find the love and career/company that is right for me. I wish I won't ever have to argue with my tatay again in terms of planning my life. I wish I won't have to succumb to the pressure of others just to have a good life. I really wish my life will be better and better each day with less pain and more happiness.

Light footed elf

I told my elf, "ang tagal ng araw ng pagsasara .. gusto ko ng mamahinga..at makapag-isip ng tama sa mga susunod na araw... i am afraid to decide on things right now..lahat ng aspeto.. alam mo dahil dun puro pagsasaya lang nasa isip ko..puro mga panandalian pag aaliw na kumakain sa purchasing power ng bulsa ko ... bad side and good side of everything..hay!"

My elf, my confidant..and sometimes I'm her confidant. Well, it's seldom in life that we find a good natured person to talk to, to laugh with, to chat with and to hold on. This elf, light-footed elf is one great person to know.

She is vulnerable at times, quiet but with a great deal of substance that everyone may appreciate if they only know how.

Too bad, we're not "talo" haha she's a sister to me! She's a hag that any guy of my style can ask for more. Thanks for your endless words of wisdom. Truth hurts and it really hurts to hear most of your sermons about life, maybe because you have experienced more of life than I am since your the eldest of our fabolous quartet!

Oh well, this is the good side of having to lose a job soon and having to do less work while in the office as I await the last day of this warm, yet cold office. I get to look at my other correspondence which I find less time dealing with when I was busy at work.

"When things are in their best shape, we tend to forget the most important factors in our life that truly make us whole."

Out of the blue expression: The release

Finally, am free of another bondage. Yes! It's official my current office is closing down. No! Am not in total celebration thinking that I am gonna lose my source of income, this isn't going to be very easy especially if I don't find a suitable replacement soon.

My career path has always been so derailed. I am not sure why I have not been so lucky finding my near to ideal, perfect company. I enjoy what I do as an IT professional but I have not been in good fortune to find the stable, secure and inspiring office that I seek.

As this chapter of my career comes to an end, I am in bliss to think that I still learned a lot from this recent experience. I met new friends and certainly I would like to keep them in the long run. In every company that I was with in the past 5 years, if there's one good thing in these experiences, it would be the skills that I learned and the friends that I earned. Nobody can take these and them away from me.

Now, I am moving forward. I am happy, 'coz, I am relieved from the pressure of work. I am sad, 'coz I am going to start all over again. But this is life for me, an endless pursuit and challenge. I always feel battered but then I also feel blessed. This is my life. This is how it has been. I am glad that I live, got no regrets but moments of sentiments at times. But this is my life, my ever colorful life.

Cheers for me! Kudos..Praise! God bless me on my journey! So mote it be!

Out of the blue expression..again!

Tuesday...Choose your day!

Just here in my office, trying to figure out a way to let myself go out of boredom. I practically woke up on a bad day light. My head aches and it really slowed me in the process.

As I write and make my self productive, my mind seem to float and wonder on a dreamy mood. So much so that I am sleepy here, I found my self contemplating on the issues of career and love life. YEAH! Can you believe that? I have a career and a not so good love life which I am so eager to resolve but I don't know how.

So much for that reflection...YAY! I am really bored, sleepy, feeliing tired and lazy. I hope the day at work ends now. I just wanna linger around and not concentrate much on work.

Out of the blue expression

It's another ordinary Monday! I spent my time, my day in the office and practically did not do anything much. In any case, I had the whole morning 'til lunch today outside of the office.
One good thing perhaps is that when I arrive at the office there's less work to do. Heheheh
From time to time it is quite nice to be bum in the office.

Later today I spent my day on the net. And by break of the evening, I managed to snatched 2 free tickets for the advance screening of Closer at the Powerplant. So cool and quite engaging this evening for me. I spent it all alone. The friends I invited to join me see the movie are all not available.

I loved Closer, it reminded of my creativity as a writer. The writer of the story inspired me to do something like that in the future. A new friend, recommended that the movie is quite good and he did not fail me. Salute to him!

I am tired and bored now... practically wasting my spirit here in front of the sad monitor. I am also sad and out of the blue my expression series is back officially!

Good evening!

Resurrection is the name of the game

HAPPY EASTER?

I am blessed to have experienced another Holyweek special. This year it was not the usual celebration.

I commemorated this occassion in the company of my family, friends and later by myself.
What is more striking about this is the fact that I, right now have been undergoing a lot questions in my life once again. Personal life and career life has always been on top of my concern. Sometimes I worry too much to a point that I am overwhelmed. This is probably not good 'cause I tend to break down.

This lenten season proved to be different from the past lenten celebration. This came in parallel with the commemoration of my lola's death anniversary as well as my mom's. It is really a time of change. I know it's been 2 years when both of the two special women in my life passed away. Their influence and memory on me still lingers on up to this very moment. This is a good thing 'cause I keep myself on the ground. So this season of holiness did not only led me to observe kindness but also it gave me time to think about them, my mom and my lola. I missed them and that is why I felt a bit sad during the last two days of this holy week commemoration.

Happy Easter! New life, new hope that symbolizes the sacrifice and the love of Jesus for mankind. I certainly have no reason to fret because this past week is a good week. Changes took place and it is not really easy but I have to bear the time's command over it.

I do hope once again, after these days of reflection, merritorious moments and meditative contemplation I will be able to soar high and focus on my goals and be the best of what I can be.

I am resurrected!

An expression of love and hope : 3 weeks love affair

3 Weeks Love Affair

I never imagined in my life that someone will come and go just that so easily. The hardest part of course is letting go and moving on.

At first the act was just like a play and flirtation but this turned out to be something more than I expected. We clicked and we find instant connection in our first meeting. Literally, we jived and everything fell into its proper place. I guess at some point both of us love the idea of being together and be with each other's arms. The sincerity and the care for each other I felt in and out.

I am thankful to the Creator for this. I am not bitter that this romantic connection just ended like this with no proper confirmation.

It's quite not easy to have a long distance love affair. This is the reason I did not entertain much the thought of us being partners. I am happy and glad to share my piece and my thoughts. I felt special in many ways as well. It is such a thrill and something unexpected. I have not experience this kind of treatment from anyone in long while.

Indeed, this short romantic flick was a blessing. Indeed a big motivation for me to dream more and achieve more.

In all these good sides, there's just some part of me that felt I am once again all alone. Alone in a sense that I am on my own, no partner, no instant inspiration, no instant companion who will like me and love me as I am . Once again, I am dreaming that someday the right person will come along and will never leave my sight again.


....the promise,
I love you and I need you, if it is our destiny to be together it will happen I suppose. I will try hard to do my best and follow you there. I hope by that time, I am not so late to have you back in my arms again.

A Valentine Offering

Dearest Cupid,

Greetings to you! I hope this letter reaches you in time for valentine. I have always been in search for love. I would really say and dare I have been pricked, hurt and devastated because of past heart aches.

Valentine is near again. Many and if not all will feel the rush of finding their perfect partner or as they say the right one. Oh Cupid...perhaps I am one of the many. At this point in time, I am single still. Yes! You are not mistaking, I though I have found the right person but it prove to be not. I love him so I set him free. I cannot tie him down to my side if it's not me that he loves. At a point he said to me I am a potential yet moments came and time passed by, we lost the feeling that was once ignited.

Cupid, after that experience I am once more in vague. I knew that I still have feelings for this man, but that has diminish to a degree now at present. I am dating, meeting and guessing at this point. I hope you can carry me and help me find the right one. I don't wanna get hurt again. In my search and long journey, I have been down. At this point, as much as possible I want to experience the happiness that love can bring and not the sadness that it might incur for me.

Cupid, you are the maximizer of love. Yes, it seems that you tend to hit your arrow of love to couple who doesn't seem to care about each other at first but with your poisonous arrow you can turn them into romantic couple. I am so open now, hit me and hit the person am seeing now. Or in perfect timing, may you be there to shower us with love bubbles to ignite our thoughts, care, passion and affection for each other.


This is quite long now. I hope you could shed some light in my dark shadowed heart.

Sincerely yours,

JT

Tired

Today, after a long weekend and a good time spent at home in Bulacan I suddenly felt that I am am thinking uncertain....



Last night, Sunday, after just arriving in Makati from the province, I spent some time at our pad and then went out for a Sunday night time out! I went out with a good friend of mine. We basically spent our time in Greenbelt then later decided to take time on net cafe. Well, prior to the net cafe we basically catch up on the events that transpired in our lives for the past days. In addition to this, the most encouraging part is the thrill of talking about our love lives. Hehehe



Well, the night just passed by. Last night I also met with a person whom I thought was worth meeting to the least..but I guess I was wrong. It wasn't a very good timing I must say. I did not feel good about it. I thought that meeting this person could have made a difference somehow from the other meet ups I have made in the pasts.



In short, after almost an hour, I segway to go back to my friend and we went on to continue surfing the net until the early morning...



I went home at 3 AM, then I woke up at around 8:45 AM. Just enough to go to work. BUT! oops, I am not feeling good about going to work all of a sudden. I felt tired and hindered. There has been some uncertainty at work lately, the company status and it's objectives per se is the main concern I have. I enjoy my new work come to think of it. But, I don't seem to enjoy it fully when at the back of my mind I might find myself in the ditch for lack of stability in tenure. I don't know how to assess the situation, my situation, with my company right now. It seems that I have a good future here since opportunities to shine here would be good if the office would just simply be transparent about where we are heading. On the contrary, I feel quite down and uneasy.



How I wish I could disspell all these negativities in my mind. I have long for a stable job and a good personal life for so long now. 2005 is such a new hope for me...after going through a lot these past 3 years. I can only think now that I must be ready to face any consequences that lies ahead of me. Life is a journey indeed. But then, I couldn't help but think why my journey has always been not so smooth.



I am tired.

Not in the mood as I write

It's a new year once again. I am back here in the office. It's a start of a new work. The holiday vacation is over.



The vacation was cool and full of good celebration. I basically spent the time with my kinsmen and friends. For me, all these are worth while celebrations.



Yet! Now it is 2005...suddenly am not in a good mood. I was trying to find a reason to this abnormality within my mind. My mood shifted to a considerable extent. Which I really don't like feeling.



I am perhaps on the right track though. What I need perhaps is a dose of inspiration from my higher Being. A swirl of positivity that is dissipating or has lowered down. I need a boost!



I am certain that I am in a good direction. I don't intend to lose my way now. I can't afford to fall right at this point. I do hope as I express myself here, I will find the reason to feel good and happy again.



There's so much going on again in my head and my tolerance is shaking to a point where I cannot bear it. This is a year of new hope for me and achievements. As far as I am concern, I want all my goals and end be achieved. The question is, "Will I survive?" The answer that I'd like to say, "Yes! With Flying colors!"



Head up and be proud!

2004: My declaration ; 2005: My achievements

Life has always been an exciting ride for us all. It is exciting in the sense that we all experience a lot of things, good and bad, in our so called lives.



Last 2003, I went through a change. And now, 2004 I faced the reality within myself. I am speaking in terms of career path, family life and personal life. Indeed, I can consider myself a life surfer who has given a lot of spice to my close environment.



Looking back on this year and now as I am writing I can say that in general this was a very good year for me. Most of my goals and most of what I want to do in the beginning days of this year transpired to a considerable degree.



January 2004, I ended my stint on my 2nd job of almost 3 years. This decision has already been declared last December 2003. There was no regret on my part doing this decision. For I was ready to leave and pursue a different career direction in writing.



I am successful in a way to try my luck in the field of writing. I met a lot of people, considerable beings who gave me the chance and the support to pursue my goal to write.



Almost 2 months after my resignation, I found myself working in an international NGO for peace. I was like into an apprenticeship program here. The experience was good and really enriching. I helped my superior here to finalize his self-authored book about peace. Though as enriching as the experience is, my stint on this I-NGO was short. I need not elaborate what happened but basically I ended my work here formally. During this period, as an aspiring writer that I am, I had to decide if I will go back to my work in the IT industry and pursue career in writing on the side light. This crossroad I had to deal and was able to cross later on.



Around March 2004, I went back to where I first belonged. I found a good career offer as an IT professional for a mobile content provider. My first job, back in 2000 is somewhat similar to this. I was excited and was really in high spirit when I joined this company.



Truly, in any arena there is a mixture of positive and negative. My second work for this year alone proved to be a challenged. As exciting as the skills that I can learn in my work here, competition and intrigue came along . I am lucky to have stayed for 6 months in this company. It's not that I was intolerant of the situation, but I knew very well that the company is not running well. As I write this, the last that I heard of about this company is not so good. I opted to find a better pasture and that was perhaps a good decision as far as my career development is concern.



The 2nd quarter of this year led me to experience some personal realizations as well. Given my present career moves at this point, I also went through some life changing upheavals. A blast from the past, someone I knew four years ago came back. It was not planned, both of us , perhaps never did plan this to happen. But for some unknown reason, we were driven back on each other's arms. The reconnection was something I did not imagine can happen, but it did. At some point I felt bliss and happiness being with this angel.



Like any beautiful romance or sweet stories, this experience proved to be a bitter pill to swallow as well. All the hopes and laughter turned gray and sour. Things did not end well between us.



Going through this experience, I had to bear myself so heavily. I stumbled so hard to my knees. I came to a point where I almost gave up my work and retreat back. I made some bad decisions and have tried harder.



I am not so good in dealing with matters of the heart. 2004 is career and love combined for me. I experienced transformation within myself this year. I accepted my real self and have come to share this with people that came close to me. I met new friends and had maintained close relationships with them. I continued to keep my old connections and basically have managed to make my circle of friends grow. These people, including my kinsmen, were the only shield and thrust that supported me.



As I undergo career upheavals and love turmoils, I believe I have become stronger. This year is my self declaration and realization.



I moved along...around July 2004 while am still with the second company...I met someone through friends introduction. I felt good to go out once again. This was the start of my healing from the angel that broke my heart and soul to a degree. This second love pass made me feel good about myself. I realized my potential to be a good person who is capable of giving love without really expecting much in return. This for me was good enough to experience basically this did not last like the first one this year.



When I ended this loving experience, I focused my attention to my career once again. I had to rebuild my career path as I confirmed myself. This time am more bold and daring to act. Luckily, time somehow was on my side. I got a call from a company in Makati named Vinciworks. It was on this company I found my new home. I went through the process of selection and was able to pass through it. At this point, I was ready to leave my second job for this year alone. There was no looking back for me at this point. I laid out my last quarter objectives and went through it. Believe me, trying to prove something to yourself, to others and your family is something not so easy to do. My formula? Hmmm ...faith.



September 2004, I am in my new office. This is a new set of work experience for me. I never thought that I can get in here. Somehow the process was kind of tough. And right now, I would say the pressure and the demand here is really something not like in my previous work experiences. I am feeling good about this whole new work experience basically. I felt more secure here.



We have a saying, "Once is ok. Twice is good but experiencing it thrice would be enough!" I was thinking, this is the third work stint I had in a year...and so far the experience is kind of rewarding. There are tough challenges at work and so much learnings that fill my thirst for knowledge and experience. I already have come to a point of realization that I will be more focused here in my third job. This is to avoid the mistakes I had in the past. So far, I think I am doing well.



As I have already mentioned, 2004 is a combination of career and love for me. This article won't be complete if I won't include my third love encounter. At this point where my career seemed to have stabilized, I found myself eventually falling again with someone I came acrossed with through friends.



Cupid hit me thrice this year and the third arrow proved to be poisonous as well in the end. I would like to believe that I found my love in this person but time was not on our side. Also, this person never had the strong feeling towards me. At a point, we kind of had the moment and the connection but things got diverted by other forces of nature. I had to let go and accept. I learned from my pasts and be as mature as I can be.



This year is coming to an end. If I will look back on those past months and days and times, I am glad to say that I have live! I experienced a lot of crossroads in my life this year that put me ono the spotlight, where the world is my stage and I am one of the actors. Shakespeare is really a genious thinking it that way.



As I continue, life would be like surfing on the vast ocean of tides. 2004 is my declaration, 2005 will be the achievement of everything I have always wanted to pursue and realize. I will carry on and do it with full intention.



SO MOTE IT BE!

Somewhere in my recent past...I wrote this..and now I think am ok?

There's this quote, “Sa pag-ibig, masakit mahulog sa taong ang tingin sa iyo ay kaibigan lang…Pero mas masakit na malaman mong mahal ka niya ngunit dahil sa pagkakaibigan…Pilit niyang tinatanggi.”



To clarify though, I don’t have any bitterness against anyone for that matter in my heart right now as I am writing this. But I cannot hide the fact I am ailing and in pain to think that my good friend, someone I love and have come to adore has break in the news into my face...I think what I was needing was some point of clarity between us, but this seemed to be something that looked like as a goodbye to what ever future we might have.



“Friends lang muna tayo…napaka spontaneous ng mind ko. Minsan I feel this way and that way...” These are the words.





I don’t know how I’m feeling right now my friend. It’s a mixture of feelings for that matter. It’s not everyday we get to love someone and have his/her same degree of love be given back to you. If it happens, then it’s probably a blessing. In my case, once again it was not given back. Time was against me once more.



Just recently, I come face to phone with my friend. I’d like to address him to be a friend, ‘coz we really are. But we are friends to a higher level of relationship. We sort of had an understanding. But we sort of had no commitment. What a complicated matter this can be, if you can just imagine.





“I have feelings for you too…but…” These are the words.





I don’t know if I should feel good about it. If he has feelings for me maybe then it wasn’t good enough. I have feelings for him, but I cannot force it into him. He knows how I feel. I don’t want to put pressure on him. I can only give myself to a certain point. It was so hard to hear him say these words to me. Caught off guard I am.





“Please don’t think pinaglalaruan lang kita, kaya kailangan malinaw sa atin ito..” If he is reading this now, I want him to know I am not thinking that way. I met him, probably at a wrong time but never I would be thinking that I was toyed. I found him to be extraordinary, not the usual character seen by the naked eye. That is probably the reason I liked him so much in the first place. I won’t change my thoughts on him as long as he will not give me reason to think otherwise.





“I love you…”



HAHAHAH …that’s all I had to reply when he uttered those words. I didn’t know but what I felt hearing him say those words, my heart crumpled and my mind was thinking and wanting to say to him…”Mahal mo ako bilang ano…bakit kailangan mo pang sabihin…” Like he was reading my mind via telepathy he said again, “I love you friend….I don’t want to lose you.”



At this point I don’t know how to react but I uttered words I can no longer remember now. The conversation was not good enough for me. I told him I don’t appreciate the way he came unto me. I prefer a face to face not face to phone setup. I didn’t know. Probably it’s because I have been into various relationship booboos and the least gesture I would expect someone to do is not to directly come up to me. I don’t know but I am really not solve with that.



In a matter of days, my world will revolve and my life will move along with the tides of life. I still expect, somehow at some peak of tide, Phil and I will find the right time to converge and be together for real. Yes we are friends but this will look like a cliche, won't it. I cannot discount the fact, we both might not end up together in the long run.



This is so hard for me right now, but I am friends with him. I promised to him nothing will change…still this would probably be something that will move us apart. I hope not. I am human and at my phase will get over this feeling I just don't know how. If destiny will give us the reason to go on with our lives separately I would accept, but if I can decide I would like to love him for all my life. I love you…I don’t want us to be just friends If only time can permit..my friend...

SERYENG TAGALOG: LARO

Anong laro ang mainam

Anong laro ang may kagandahan

Ang buhay ay isang laro

Tunay ngang mahirap na laro



Araw araw ako'y sumusugal

Sa isang laro na di ko lubos na alam

Laro ng buhay ang tawag ko dito

Larong walang humpay





Tayo ng makipaglaro

Sa kapalaran at panahon

Laro ng buhay

May pait at may saya

Laro...

....Halika ka na. Sasali ka ba?

For the reason I Flip :-)

This is my version of the song, "How did you know". I entitled it, "I did not know".



I did not really know that I could feel this way again. That is, to like someone and each day care to a higher degree of caring and thinking. Nonetheless, it is such a lovely feeling. I share this to you and soon I hope we can sing it together. :-)



- Jonathan



I did not know



INTRO



I remember so well

The day that you came into my life

You gave me your name

I gave you mine and made you smile



My life started to change

I'd wake up each day feeling alright

With you right on my mind

Made me feel life will work out just fine



CHORUS



I did not know

I needed someone like you in my life

And fill the empty space in my heart

We met at the right time in my life



I'll never forget

When you brought the stars to light up my life

And took all the woes and fears that I had

I guess what I'm really trying to say

It's not everyday that someone like you cross my way

No words can say how much I care for you



(Repeat Chorus)

"Say You Love Me"

"I was looking into the mp3 of my officemate and had the chance to listen to this beautiful Patti Austin original song, "SAY YOU LOVE ME".



It was quite a hit to me. It is so cool to the ear and somehow I was able to relate to the message of the song. Hmmm....it's not really a big deal for me...or at least I don't want to think of that as a big deal. I don't want to assume any possibility 'cause I have always been blinded and had easily fallen in love in the pasts.



Listening to this song, reminded me of the importance of how good it is to feel inspired. Basically, it is the essence. Now, even if I am still not sure if the other party feels the same way as I feel, I could straightly say that it's worth experiencing to feel good for someone.



Now in my busy work day, I was able to deviate and send this one to all who may likewise feel te way that I feel. "-JT



>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Don't you know that I want to be more than just your friend?

Holdin' hands is fine, but I've got better things on my mind

You know it could happen if you'd only see me in a different light

Maybe when we finally get together, you will see that I was right

Say you love me You know that it could be nice

If you'd only say you love me

Don't treat me like I was lice, ooh, woo, woo

Please love me I'll be yours and you'll be mine

If you'd only say you love me, baby

Things would really work out fine

Don't you know that I want to be more than just your friend

Holdin' hands is fine, but I've got better things on my mind

You know it could happen if you'd only see me in a different light

Maybe when we finally get together, you will see that I was right

Say you love me You know that it could be nice

If you'd only say you love me

Don't treat me like I was lice, ooh, woo, woo

Please love me I'll be yours and you'll be mine

If you'd only say you love me, darlin'

Things would really work out fine

Say that you love me Mmm...mmm...ooh...ho...ho...

Say that you love me Mmm...mmm...mmm... Hoo...hoo...baby

Would you say you love me You know that it could be nice

If you'd only say you love me

Don't treat me like I was lice, ooh, woo, woo

Please love me I'll be yours and you'll be mine

If you'd only say you love me, baby

Things would really work out fine

If you'd only say you love me, darlin'

Things would really work out fine

If you'd only say you love me, darlin'

Things would really work out fine

Reflective Thoughts with a Good Friend

My good friend and I were talking this morning. We were talking about relationships. She was always the playful, not so serious in a relationship as she would claim to me. She would always meet with men and date them and have some intimacy with them. But in the end, she would not take it seriously. For her, it’s not her cup of tea. Is that the term for it? Oh well.



I, for certain was her opposite. I have been in deep, serious war against finding my love. Finding a friend and a partner whom I could share, complement and integrate with is one thing I think is important to me. I’ve been through a lot of interesting encounters with women and men. I don’t deny that fact now, as I am writing this. It’s all basically the same. I have loved and been hurt many times. Sometimes I grew tired and weary. My work, my style has been affected. In the end, I exert some force to move on and go on.



My friend and I, are opposite in our ideas when it comes to dealing with this love thing. I have always encouraged her to try it out seriously. At the same time, she has encouraged me to try it out slowly and don’t rush. By all means, we share those ideas and in a bit fashion we delight with our own experiences.



Just recently, both of us experienced yet another unforgettable encounter, respectively. This time the only difference is the way she, my friend, has thought of her recent encounter. She said to me that she is now somehow ready to consider serious relationship with this man. Or if I understand it right, she said she is 70% sure she likes the man. I’d say in an instant encounter she felt compatibility with this man. I certainly believe that this can happen. Sometimes this kind of setup tends to be the real ones. But I cautioned her as well to take it slowly as she would always tell me.



As she was in her own experience, I also shared with her my recent encounter. As usual my dilemma was the thought of not knowing if the person that I am seeing is really interested in me or was it all just a play? I had this most peculiar encounter with this man and certainly I would really think that this might just be some adventure. But there are just those elements that cannot be seen by the naked eye that I feel or at least I think I can see through.



I certainly know my feeling for this man. I know I like him and I am interested in getting to know him better. But the only reception that I am receiving from him is vague signal that is confusing on my end. I am confuse, maybe I am just being so excited and overly assuming that we do have a connection not just physically but in other aspect of the relationship. Somehow I do want to think it that way. On the other hand, I also think that I am just the one thinking of it that way.



My good friend said that I should just enjoy the moment. Try to get to know the man and just be myself. At this point, I wonder how far can I go? And how interested this man is to me? I like him indeed. I know probably for a fact that he still has some personal things to consider. Can’t he just say, “I like you too, if you’ll wait for me…” Maybe a clear, solid signal that will assure me that I am not lost.





The point is! In a relationship, there are varied circumstances. Communicating your feeling and saying what you mean is one thing. Assuring someone and being honest is another important matter. Being friends first will certainly develop any serious possibility of a deeper relationship, if both parties are willing to cross this line. In having a serious connection, all these will combine.



For my friend and I. I wish us both HAPPINESS and TRUE LOVE in all its definition. Thanks to you for sharing your thoughts to me and as I to you. Thanks to Nur as my friend’s “1/4 Banana Chip” and to Flip as my “Philbox”, for without them we would not feel this good feeling again. Friends or more than that, we all win this round!