Nais kong mabuhay kasama kayong lahat sa isang kahariang walang sakit at lumbay. Nitong mga huling araw ako ay dumadaan sa isang kritikal na pagkakataon. Muli ako ay sinusumpong ng takot, ng pangamba at pangungulila.
Ako'y waring isang nawawalang kuting na natatakot sa kung anong kahihinatnan ng lahat ng mga nangyayari sa akin nitong mga huling araw. Sa katunayan nga lang, hinde naman ako nababahala ng lubos na ako'y mawawalan ng trabaho sa susunod na mga araw ngunit ako ay nag-iisip kung anong maganda kong gawin upang ibsan ang napipintong tagtuyot sa aking buhay karera.
Ako'y tila isang inakay na nangangambang di na ako datnan ng aking ina sa aking pugad dahil baka ako'y kainin na ng kalaban. Sa katunayan ang aking pangamba kahit paano ay nagpipilit humulagpos sa aking katauhan. Sari-saring paraan ng pagsasaya ang aking ginagawa para lamang kahit paano ay maging maayos ang pagtingin ko sa lahat ng ito. Hindi ko naman ito tinatakasan pero nais kong maging balanse at normal lang itong aking buhay sa kabila ng lahat.
Ako'y tila isang babae na naghihintay sa pagbabalik o pagdating ng aking minamahal. Ilang buwan na ng lumisan sa aking piling ang isang mahalagang tao sa aking buhay pag-ibig. Mula noon di na ako naging normal. Hinahanap ko ata ang katangian niya sa ibang mga nakikilala ko sa aking paglabas at pagbisita sa internet. Ewan ko ba, sadyang alam ko ngayon na ako'y nabulid sa kanya at kung kaya sa pagkakataong ito hinde ko na din nakikitang masaya ako sa pagpunta punta ko sa mga bahay aliwan o sayawan kung saan ko maaaring makilala si ginoo ng aking buhay.
Ang internet sa ngayon ang siyang nagbibigay daan upang makausap ko ang aking Marso at siya'y makapiling subalit hinde ito kasiguruhan para sa amin. Kaalinsabay nito ang pagdating ng mga ibang buwan ng kakisigan na aking nakakausap at nakakakilala ng personal. Kung minsan naisip ko ayos lang makipag-usap at makipagkilala sa ganitong paraan pero hinde din pala lalo na't nagkita na kayo at lahat ng hinahanap mo o hinahanap niya ay di nagtugma sa gusto niyo. Ito'y nagiging isang kabaliwan at kabalintunaan na lamang. Masakit din minsan kasi nararamdaman mong ito na sana pero hinde pa pala. Siya na sana pero hinde naman nagtatagal at nawawala din.
Pangungulila at paghahanap ng sandigan at kakapitan ang aking nais na maayos sa susunod na araw. Pagod na ako, masasabi kong ako'y sobrang pagod. Nais kong lumigaya ngunit di sa paraang sandali lamang ang dulot o hatid na pakiramdam.
Sana sa isang sulok na asul, masabi ko din na di lang hinaing ito kundi kasiyahang kwento din minsan pa ang aking maibahagi sa inyong lahat...
JT
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Out of the blue expression: Sleepless Night
I was gasping and basically in the restless mood last night. I enjoyed a good dinner, farewell party for a Malaysian friend. It was a good night, fun and delightful at some point. We all headed for home before midnight strikes.
At last, at home, I get to enjoy the warm bed on a warm humid night. I slept for almost 3 hours and suddenly I saw myself in pain, in an uncomfortable feeling, in a very confuse state. Dreaming or for real? This is the question that I asked myself. It was like I am awake but also asleep. It was like, I am lying down but also up.
Finally, I stood up and it was like a relief. A freedom that I desire from the sleepless night that I am experiencing. I am very tired. I am at the same time reflective of the situation that I just saw. I saw what I cannot really describe and devour. I am in confusion maybe. My brain has been processing a lot of thoughts lately and perhaps last night it all burst out.
I've had been in many sleepless nights in the past, but last night I felt it was such an extra sleepless night. In 7 months, I have always been very comfortable with my situation. Maybe the changes that I am about to encounter soon is making me look back and think much.
Sleepless night...
At last, at home, I get to enjoy the warm bed on a warm humid night. I slept for almost 3 hours and suddenly I saw myself in pain, in an uncomfortable feeling, in a very confuse state. Dreaming or for real? This is the question that I asked myself. It was like I am awake but also asleep. It was like, I am lying down but also up.
Finally, I stood up and it was like a relief. A freedom that I desire from the sleepless night that I am experiencing. I am very tired. I am at the same time reflective of the situation that I just saw. I saw what I cannot really describe and devour. I am in confusion maybe. My brain has been processing a lot of thoughts lately and perhaps last night it all burst out.
I've had been in many sleepless nights in the past, but last night I felt it was such an extra sleepless night. In 7 months, I have always been very comfortable with my situation. Maybe the changes that I am about to encounter soon is making me look back and think much.
Sleepless night...
Monday, May 02, 2005
Out of the blue expressions: Long Weekend Aftermath
I am blessed to live my life this past four days. YES! Why?!
I spent the long weekend mostly with my family. We had a reunion so to speak and turned out to be a spontaneous effort to go out of town all of a sudden. These kind of things seldom happen due to our busy skeds and separate lives. But this long weekend experience is something worth writing right now.
I am perhaps looking for the strength and support that I can master from my kinsmen. I am losing my grip and my told these past days as I enter a new career crossroad which is also being hit with occassional love worries. The long weekend gave me enough time to reflect and think of what I must do with my life once again. A new level of awareness that I need to shuffle within my energy field so that I won't lose my track was ignited. My time with my family helped me a lot.
On the other side, I will be honest to say that the long weekend was also quite a bore, come to think of it. I missed my chances in going out with my friends and party. I opted to be on the side for these past 4 days so I paid for it. For a while, I detached my self from the scene thinking I may get something new out of family "thingy" experience. There was no regret to a minute that I was with them. It was a pleasant , simple experience and well grounded.
I am thinking now. I am wishing that after this storm, I will be able to decide clearly on my next move. I wish I will be stronger and more secure. I wish I will be able to find the love and career/company that is right for me. I wish I won't ever have to argue with my tatay again in terms of planning my life. I wish I won't have to succumb to the pressure of others just to have a good life. I really wish my life will be better and better each day with less pain and more happiness.
I spent the long weekend mostly with my family. We had a reunion so to speak and turned out to be a spontaneous effort to go out of town all of a sudden. These kind of things seldom happen due to our busy skeds and separate lives. But this long weekend experience is something worth writing right now.
I am perhaps looking for the strength and support that I can master from my kinsmen. I am losing my grip and my told these past days as I enter a new career crossroad which is also being hit with occassional love worries. The long weekend gave me enough time to reflect and think of what I must do with my life once again. A new level of awareness that I need to shuffle within my energy field so that I won't lose my track was ignited. My time with my family helped me a lot.
On the other side, I will be honest to say that the long weekend was also quite a bore, come to think of it. I missed my chances in going out with my friends and party. I opted to be on the side for these past 4 days so I paid for it. For a while, I detached my self from the scene thinking I may get something new out of family "thingy" experience. There was no regret to a minute that I was with them. It was a pleasant , simple experience and well grounded.
I am thinking now. I am wishing that after this storm, I will be able to decide clearly on my next move. I wish I will be stronger and more secure. I wish I will be able to find the love and career/company that is right for me. I wish I won't ever have to argue with my tatay again in terms of planning my life. I wish I won't have to succumb to the pressure of others just to have a good life. I really wish my life will be better and better each day with less pain and more happiness.
Light footed elf
I told my elf, "ang tagal ng araw ng pagsasara .. gusto ko ng mamahinga..at makapag-isip ng tama sa mga susunod na araw... i am afraid to decide on things right now..lahat ng aspeto.. alam mo dahil dun puro pagsasaya lang nasa isip ko..puro mga panandalian pag aaliw na kumakain sa purchasing power ng bulsa ko ... bad side and good side of everything..hay!"
My elf, my confidant..and sometimes I'm her confidant. Well, it's seldom in life that we find a good natured person to talk to, to laugh with, to chat with and to hold on. This elf, light-footed elf is one great person to know.
She is vulnerable at times, quiet but with a great deal of substance that everyone may appreciate if they only know how.
Too bad, we're not "talo" haha she's a sister to me! She's a hag that any guy of my style can ask for more. Thanks for your endless words of wisdom. Truth hurts and it really hurts to hear most of your sermons about life, maybe because you have experienced more of life than I am since your the eldest of our fabolous quartet!
Oh well, this is the good side of having to lose a job soon and having to do less work while in the office as I await the last day of this warm, yet cold office. I get to look at my other correspondence which I find less time dealing with when I was busy at work.
"When things are in their best shape, we tend to forget the most important factors in our life that truly make us whole."
My elf, my confidant..and sometimes I'm her confidant. Well, it's seldom in life that we find a good natured person to talk to, to laugh with, to chat with and to hold on. This elf, light-footed elf is one great person to know.
She is vulnerable at times, quiet but with a great deal of substance that everyone may appreciate if they only know how.
Too bad, we're not "talo" haha she's a sister to me! She's a hag that any guy of my style can ask for more. Thanks for your endless words of wisdom. Truth hurts and it really hurts to hear most of your sermons about life, maybe because you have experienced more of life than I am since your the eldest of our fabolous quartet!
Oh well, this is the good side of having to lose a job soon and having to do less work while in the office as I await the last day of this warm, yet cold office. I get to look at my other correspondence which I find less time dealing with when I was busy at work.
"When things are in their best shape, we tend to forget the most important factors in our life that truly make us whole."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)