IT'S MY MONEY. IT'S WHAT I WANT.

"Money is evil dressed in the smell of gold. It is evil inspired as much as it was a blessing from heaven."

I am not from a rich family, not even from a well to do clan. My mom and dad used to tell me to be diligent in all my works and undertakings so that I can achieve much and earn enough to gain all the success, material things and blessings that I have now. It's not easy to work hard and at the end of the day just let the fruit of your labor just be put to pay bills, utilities and only a few to savings. Anyways, I am thankful I earn enough and that's something to keep me sustained together with my dad. It's just enough for myself and my dad. There are times when I can extend some for those who need assistance. BUT IF I DO THAT, sometimes the people in my surrounding thinks am a money machine. WELL now I AM TELLING YOU I AM NOT. I am just like anybody else who works hard and earn the money. In fact, I am a slave in the corporate world. NOW YOU TELL ME, IS THAT THE MAKING OF A MONEY MACHINE. NO!

Of all the blessings and evil that came by in my life, money is perhaps the most prominent, significant item. I just can't deduce the fact that while I am pretty much blessed and perhaps earning enough for myself and my dad right now, some people would think I AM SO RICH! The fact of life is, I AM NOT. I am still working my ass up just to live and sustain all these things I am enjoying. AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT, IF I ENJOY MY EARNINGS. I DESERVE IT, TOGETHER WITH SOME EXTRAVAGANCE I WANT TO SHOWER MY DAD AND MYSELF. I THANK GOD ALWAYS FOR GIVING ME LIFE, MAKING ME DO THE THINGS I DID AND THE BLESSINGS HE SHOWERED ON ME.

Nonetheless, like life is wheel, money is never enough. TRUE! Even the richest person in the world would agree to this. I am in need of more money right now. These are the days when some crossroads are being faced by anyone. Just as I am facing something right now, a bigger crossroad that no one could possibly ever imagine. To alleviate an impending disaster, I am thinking I need to secure all the money I can get. IT MAY SOUND SO OVERRATED BUT I AM NOT SAYING THIS JUST FOR THE SAKE OF SAYING IT. I would be prudent that nowadays, apart from all my plans, I get so vigilant to obtain any receivable that I am expecting from my landlords, friends, and even relatives. I would look like I am so greedy just by writing all these lines right now about my dire need to obtain all the money wealth I can get! WELL, I don't care about what you think bitch and dog! The fact of life is, I am in need of money. FOR THE REASONS I AM ONLY IN THE CAPACITY TO KNOW and UNDERSTAND.

Just tonight, in the comfort of my house, I contacted my exlandlord to give me my apartment deposit,which is considerably a big amount. It's an amount enough to cover some other expenses so that I wouldn't have to worry too much. TO MY DISMAY, I didn't get any response from her up to this point! I just can't fathom the idea. I just can't understand why does it seem she's ignoring me. IS IT TOO MUCH TO REPLY TO MY TEXT! FUCKING SHET! IT'S MY MONEY THAT I AM TRYING TO GET! WHY CAN'T SHE INFORM ME AT LEAST OF THE STATUS. I HATE SUCH DISPLAY OF NOT SEEMING TO CARE AT ALL. Some of you will say, "It's only money!".. Well honey it ain't money til you have it in your pocket! And if you have more pressing reason in your life, you would think I am not so fucking asshole at all at this point.

I am extra sensitive about money matters because it's not like the first time when I experience some discomfort for not getting what is owed to me because of money. There was a time when my mom lent her money to my uncle until both of them died already and they never get to settle the credits. Now it's like a big crack in our family (at least from my end to the family of my uncle). That money could have been helpful to us if it was returned to us. Anyways, it's like water down the drain! IT'S AN AMPLE SUM OF MONEY WHICH I DON'T ANYONE CAN JUST SHOVE OFF. In fairness to my Uncle's family, they were quite in a hard time then so my mom can't really force them to pay. And as they say blood is thicker than marinara sauce. NOW, it's my generation, our generation, my cousin and I who should settle. But then, I don't think she and her brother is in the right set of mind to at least pay us back. I CAN SEE SHE'S DOING WELL NOW. That's really good, so isn't it automatic if you're doing well at least be sensitive to pay back, reach out and let us know if you still plan to pay your dad's debt. Which by the way my mom was so kind to understand after all those years we never really pressure your ends to pay.

In my own dealings, I've been trustful and kind enough to provide some close friends some assistance and even other relatives. I am generous, understanding to a point when it comes to money. Although I realize that my mom and I does seem to share same destiny when we lend money to others, I just can't seem to really think of the bad thing. But then, TO MY OWN DISCOMFORT, IT IS I STILL WHO WOULD BE BEGGING THEM (those who owe me money) TO GIVE IT BACK TO ME. While I understand their reasons, DO THEY REALIZE I ALSO HAVE MY REASONS?! TO MY HEARTACHE, I WOULD BE MARKED AS THE BAD GUY IF I DON'T SEEM TO EXTEND MY UNDERSTANDING. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON THIS WORLD?!

Back to my exlandlord,I just wish she settles with me. I need the details and I need it now damn shet! Oh well, I try to keep my cool. I just had to vent now 'cause I'd been following up with her for a month already. Aside from that, there are other finances I need to settle and am waiting to balance my spreadsheet. For some friends that I am also sending their statements to me, you would understand. I am not just saying all these to create a sensation. It's seldom that I burst out and tell the world of everything!

NOW! You tell me. Why shouldn't I feel bad about not getting my money! It's my money! It's for me. Aside from the fact that I have financial obligations to fulfill, there's a lot of reason right now that I NEED EVERY RECEIVABLE THAT I CAN GET! Read my mind from these, you'll know what and how big of a trouble I am facing right now.

Now, you tell me. Should I calm down!? NO WAY! As much as I am trying to be rational about it. Sorry. I HAVE MY REASONS!

Panaginip Kita: Series #1 - 09232008

i dreamed of you last night. i was somewhere , i can't recall if i am in bulacan. may pupuntahan daw ako pero i cant seem to find my way. and then i came upon a house, a house not familiar to me but i am drawn to it. then suddenly came out you! yeah you! it was your house, your parents house. you invited me in.. you welcomed me and introduced me to you dad and mom. they were very accommodating.
but i wasnt sure if you're out to them already so i just pretended to be a regular guy. we ate and we talked over the dining table. and then you said that there's a party at your house later that day. i forgot whether its a birthday or what.. but still you invited me...there are other vague series along that scene..

to continue..i saw myself enjoy enjoy sa party... naglibot libot daw ako sa party.. etc etc.. nag iba ang setting ng dream ko pero andun ka pA DIN .. MEdyo nagin telefantasya ata sya.. all of a sudden parang may bundok, adventure etc.. may sinuot daw akong singsing .. singsing parang may powers or something.. inilagay ko sya sa palasingsingan kong daliri. humigpit ng humigpit yung singsing hanggang sa sobrang higpit nya ay parang ni-pop nya ang KUKO ko.. natanggal yung KUKO ko. (masakit ba kamo?).. pero for some reason i was shocked that i did not feel any pain. and in second i saw that My fingernails grew back again. ganon lang.. tapos i think you mentioned something like everything will be ok.. or something.. i think in that note you knew that something is wrong with me or you were just delighted that it was like symbolic. btw, andun din mga cousin ko sa eksena. and some other familiar faces i can't recall who..

after noong eksena na yon.. sobrang linaw pa din, nagising na ako..7 AM na pala.

nagmuni muni ako.. sabi ko eemail kita about this dream.. your visit in my dream.. or something more to this dream i need to really take note of..

by the way, i dreamt weeks ago.. yet another friend of mine in my dream .. telling me that I need not worry for it will be beautiful in that place (she was referring to heaven) .. she said that I should not worry if I am gonna die..it will be good and all my worries will be gone.. I SUDDENLY WAKE UP ON THAT INSTANCE.. but it was also a vivid thought ..

HOW WEIRD THESE DREAMS ARE..

So i decided to keep a track of some dreams I've been having.. I wanted to see if there's a pattern.

Panaginip kita..

Of weekend, lazing out, pinoy food, barnes and birthday planning

So this weekend was perhaps the most lazy weekend since I came here in Florida. Instead of going to the safari trip with office friends, I was so lazy to join so I just stayed home. A Saturday of just googling, browsing pinoychannel tv, eating, pig outing, laundry sorting, meeting adam etc etc .. All these laze out made my back ache.. a day of seating all day, lounging all day for all the nonsensible things. I just love it.

So this weekend was about thinking if I should go out to go bar hopping. But I just opted to drive around the FLL night street on a Friday then settle myself with a drive thru dunkin donuts coffee for as early as 5 AM of Saturday. After that, head home and sleep all throughout Saturday.

So this weekend was about going to the gym on a Saturday night, trying to lift some weights and lose some guts. It's a night to feel good about myself. A night to shoot some photos in the dark. A night to go back to my loungty and comfy Ikea chair and look at the boob tube while enjoying an uploaded For the First Time movie copy at Pinoychannel tv.

Lastly, this Sunday weekend was perhaps the summit of my lazy weekend. It gave me a headache. It made me useless the wholeday. Except for a lunch trip with office friends at Amay's Carinderia and Catering in Johnson St., I practically slept all day due to my headache. As I write now, I am cooking ginataang Tilapia, smells good, tastes even better. Have some!

So this weekend is the laziest weekend, all just in the comfy of my small abode. All the lazing out, the pinoy food I have here, birthday planning on the side all these weekend. Still such lazy feeling. I am just letting this flow for now. I don't intend this to eat my whole humanity and totality. I just hope this goes away asap. I don't really like to be lazy. It's like next to nothingness at all.

Post Script:

Barnes - when you're lazing out. Go to Barnes, they have books, you can read while sipping coffee or munching cakes at Starbucks. It's practically a comfy place to laze out while people watching, I mean watching the people, either cute, beautiful, sexy, handsome, hunky they go to Barnes and it's such a treat.. at least just for me.

Sleepless

I can't sleep these days.

AFGARYTQ#$VTQ#! Q!@ RAT@$ WTRWgwt vwgqgq qfqv pi-0-98AFGARYTQ#$VTQ#! Q!@ RAT@$ WTRWgwt vwgqgq qfqv pi-0-98AFGARYTQ#$VTQ#! Q!@ RAT@$ WTRWgwt vwgqgq qfqv pi-0-98AFGARYTQ#$VTQ#! Q!@ RAT@$ WTRWgwt vwgqgq qfqv pi-0-98AFGARYTQ#$VTQ#! Q!@ RAT@$ WTRWgwt vwgqgq qfqv pi-0-98AFGARYTQ#$VTQ#! Q!@ RAT@$ WTRWgwt vwgqgq qfqv pi-0-98AFGARYTQ#$VTQ#! Q!@ RAT@$ WTRWgwt vwgqgq qfqv pi-0-98AFGARYTQ#$VTQ#! Q!@ RAT@$ WTRWgwt vwgqgq qfqv pi-0-98AFGARYTQ#$VTQ#! Q!@ RAT@$ WTRWgwt vwgqgq qfqv pi-0-98 ^T#(*%&*$&^^*(*(%*($^&@^#*&(*)()%&$&^##HNHDTYWBU *%(*)%&#%$$%!%$!$^VHWGW&^&#^Htgwgwjwrtwryrwytrywtytwywthsvqhoioi[o[o[oipouoiytut1234578899rghw67

If the mind is so complex and filled with information, then these is how a segment of my thought had been experiencing. A lot of information seated in my mind right now, so much content inside, whether relevant or not. It is full of complexities, concerns and enigmas that I can't seem to just shrug off. It's now resulting into some sleepless nights. I need some relief.

!@$V^V btttb bbbttrrrr brrrrr ssssshhhhh

I am no fan of hospitals or clinic at all!

So here it goes, I went on to have my doctor's appointment later today. I left the office after seeking permission or informing my associates that I have to go to the doctor today.

I am early and was literally on time. I registered at the counter. I sat by the waiting area. I read some of the magazines. At some point, I even had to dial in to one my meeting while I am waiting for my turn at the doctor's table. In the course of my waiting time, I got so pissed off and disappointed 'cause I have been waiting for over an hour already.

My turn came, I got called by the nurse. She was polite enough and cheerful mood so at least my irritation on the situation was lowered at some point. We proceeded with the routine vital sign check up etc. After that, she asked me to wait for the doctor. This time, literally I am inside a small room inside the clinic, where I am asked to wait for the doctor.

In that small room, where I am seating and waiting, I felt some discomfort and stress! I waited there for another 30 minutes. So my dissatisfaction got so high, I had to go out of the room and ask the receptionist where the FUCKING DOCTOR IS! They were polite enough, but rather COLD BITCHES I would say. I asked them to tell me how long I would have to wait for the doctor since I have been there for over an hour already. On that moment, I felt like what is the use of setting an appointment when you still get delay in getting the attention.

Finally, the old doctor came in. He was apologetic for his delay. He had so many patients to deal with prior to me, that's he's excuse. I told him in a jokingly manner but seemingly disgusted way, "I THOUGHT I HAD TO JUST RESCHEDULE. FOR I HAVE BEEN IN HERE FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW. YOU BETTER TELL ME SOME GOOD NEWS.!"

To cut it short, after long time of waiting. I totally wasted two hours of my time this afternoon. It turns out that my other tests were not yet in. So I said, why did your staff gave me a call to set an appointment today when all you have for me is incomplete information!

Poor doctor, 'cause I am no longer tolerant about the inefficiency. Add to that, the stress level I incurred by waiting in that small gloomy room. Imagine my stress thinking of some morbid thoughts, how sad it was inside that room, all white painted room, not so lively room and seemingly lifeless room. It reminded me of my mom when she was hospitalized years back and died. It reminded me of my friend who just got hospitalized recently. It reminded me of the things, all the sad things of why people go to clinics, hospitals or patient care sections. Even if this is just a simple check up, it does matter for me. Even if it's just a simple doctor visit, it was such a big deal 'cause sometimes doctor visits can either be a good news or a bad news. So imagine, the added stress of waiting that long only to be told I will still have to wait, do this check up again etc etc etc

Timeless

I have not been counting the time lately. At least, maybe not consciously tracking it. I don't want to be tied up by thinking that I only have so much time to do everything.

My work does entail me to plan and manage solutions and deliverables. In relation to that, in essence time is important. It is probably the aspect of my life right now that I try to keep and sustain. After all, being on time, doing things on time, tracking everything to be as planned is where I earn my bread and butter.

On the other hand, I would love it if I can just live without counting my days and enjoy life and stay young, livelier, better. I guess that's how life should be, timeless.

Beaches and my feeling of serenity

For the past few weeks here in sunny South Florida, I've found myself practically drawn to the sea. There is something in the waves, in the sand, in the water and the sound of it that made me feel serene and calm.

Since South Florida has a lot of beaches to choose from I've managed to visit a few of them for some simple breeze walking along the shore, meditation on the fine sand, soaking of my feet in the salt water. I love the sea, the water, the gust of the wind blowing, the sound of the waves battering the air waves.

I look beyond to the point where my eyes can just glance and my mind to think of my worries. The sea, the vast water is dissolving all the worries, it's keeping me sane, grounded and inspired. The sea while it's meeting the sandy beaches of South Florida is bringing me a lot of energy nowadays.

I wish, like the water I can endure and crash every trials and concerns I have right now. :-/

JT is forever

REPOSTING HERE - My profile headliner last August 2008

JT is forever,
I'm all thy need to please you,
I can stimulate and tease you,
I won't leave in the night,
You’ve no fear that I might desert you,

JT is forever,
Approach me and then get to know me,
Touch me, stroke me and maybe undress me
You can see every part,
Nothing hides in the heart only pure intention.

You do need love;
A lot of good love will do you!
JT never lies to you,
For when there’s JT love, I'll luster on further.

JT is forever,
Sparkling round your aura.
Unlike other men (or women),
JT lingers;
Other men are mere mortals;
Who are not worth going to your grave for.

You do need love;
For love will do you good!
JT never lies to you,
For when I am gone,
No other lives will ever go on.

JT is forever, forever, forever.
JT is forever, forever, forever.
Forever and ever.