2004: My declaration ; 2005: My achievements

Life has always been an exciting ride for us all. It is exciting in the sense that we all experience a lot of things, good and bad, in our so called lives.



Last 2003, I went through a change. And now, 2004 I faced the reality within myself. I am speaking in terms of career path, family life and personal life. Indeed, I can consider myself a life surfer who has given a lot of spice to my close environment.



Looking back on this year and now as I am writing I can say that in general this was a very good year for me. Most of my goals and most of what I want to do in the beginning days of this year transpired to a considerable degree.



January 2004, I ended my stint on my 2nd job of almost 3 years. This decision has already been declared last December 2003. There was no regret on my part doing this decision. For I was ready to leave and pursue a different career direction in writing.



I am successful in a way to try my luck in the field of writing. I met a lot of people, considerable beings who gave me the chance and the support to pursue my goal to write.



Almost 2 months after my resignation, I found myself working in an international NGO for peace. I was like into an apprenticeship program here. The experience was good and really enriching. I helped my superior here to finalize his self-authored book about peace. Though as enriching as the experience is, my stint on this I-NGO was short. I need not elaborate what happened but basically I ended my work here formally. During this period, as an aspiring writer that I am, I had to decide if I will go back to my work in the IT industry and pursue career in writing on the side light. This crossroad I had to deal and was able to cross later on.



Around March 2004, I went back to where I first belonged. I found a good career offer as an IT professional for a mobile content provider. My first job, back in 2000 is somewhat similar to this. I was excited and was really in high spirit when I joined this company.



Truly, in any arena there is a mixture of positive and negative. My second work for this year alone proved to be a challenged. As exciting as the skills that I can learn in my work here, competition and intrigue came along . I am lucky to have stayed for 6 months in this company. It's not that I was intolerant of the situation, but I knew very well that the company is not running well. As I write this, the last that I heard of about this company is not so good. I opted to find a better pasture and that was perhaps a good decision as far as my career development is concern.



The 2nd quarter of this year led me to experience some personal realizations as well. Given my present career moves at this point, I also went through some life changing upheavals. A blast from the past, someone I knew four years ago came back. It was not planned, both of us , perhaps never did plan this to happen. But for some unknown reason, we were driven back on each other's arms. The reconnection was something I did not imagine can happen, but it did. At some point I felt bliss and happiness being with this angel.



Like any beautiful romance or sweet stories, this experience proved to be a bitter pill to swallow as well. All the hopes and laughter turned gray and sour. Things did not end well between us.



Going through this experience, I had to bear myself so heavily. I stumbled so hard to my knees. I came to a point where I almost gave up my work and retreat back. I made some bad decisions and have tried harder.



I am not so good in dealing with matters of the heart. 2004 is career and love combined for me. I experienced transformation within myself this year. I accepted my real self and have come to share this with people that came close to me. I met new friends and had maintained close relationships with them. I continued to keep my old connections and basically have managed to make my circle of friends grow. These people, including my kinsmen, were the only shield and thrust that supported me.



As I undergo career upheavals and love turmoils, I believe I have become stronger. This year is my self declaration and realization.



I moved along...around July 2004 while am still with the second company...I met someone through friends introduction. I felt good to go out once again. This was the start of my healing from the angel that broke my heart and soul to a degree. This second love pass made me feel good about myself. I realized my potential to be a good person who is capable of giving love without really expecting much in return. This for me was good enough to experience basically this did not last like the first one this year.



When I ended this loving experience, I focused my attention to my career once again. I had to rebuild my career path as I confirmed myself. This time am more bold and daring to act. Luckily, time somehow was on my side. I got a call from a company in Makati named Vinciworks. It was on this company I found my new home. I went through the process of selection and was able to pass through it. At this point, I was ready to leave my second job for this year alone. There was no looking back for me at this point. I laid out my last quarter objectives and went through it. Believe me, trying to prove something to yourself, to others and your family is something not so easy to do. My formula? Hmmm ...faith.



September 2004, I am in my new office. This is a new set of work experience for me. I never thought that I can get in here. Somehow the process was kind of tough. And right now, I would say the pressure and the demand here is really something not like in my previous work experiences. I am feeling good about this whole new work experience basically. I felt more secure here.



We have a saying, "Once is ok. Twice is good but experiencing it thrice would be enough!" I was thinking, this is the third work stint I had in a year...and so far the experience is kind of rewarding. There are tough challenges at work and so much learnings that fill my thirst for knowledge and experience. I already have come to a point of realization that I will be more focused here in my third job. This is to avoid the mistakes I had in the past. So far, I think I am doing well.



As I have already mentioned, 2004 is a combination of career and love for me. This article won't be complete if I won't include my third love encounter. At this point where my career seemed to have stabilized, I found myself eventually falling again with someone I came acrossed with through friends.



Cupid hit me thrice this year and the third arrow proved to be poisonous as well in the end. I would like to believe that I found my love in this person but time was not on our side. Also, this person never had the strong feeling towards me. At a point, we kind of had the moment and the connection but things got diverted by other forces of nature. I had to let go and accept. I learned from my pasts and be as mature as I can be.



This year is coming to an end. If I will look back on those past months and days and times, I am glad to say that I have live! I experienced a lot of crossroads in my life this year that put me ono the spotlight, where the world is my stage and I am one of the actors. Shakespeare is really a genious thinking it that way.



As I continue, life would be like surfing on the vast ocean of tides. 2004 is my declaration, 2005 will be the achievement of everything I have always wanted to pursue and realize. I will carry on and do it with full intention.



SO MOTE IT BE!

Somewhere in my recent past...I wrote this..and now I think am ok?

There's this quote, “Sa pag-ibig, masakit mahulog sa taong ang tingin sa iyo ay kaibigan lang…Pero mas masakit na malaman mong mahal ka niya ngunit dahil sa pagkakaibigan…Pilit niyang tinatanggi.”



To clarify though, I don’t have any bitterness against anyone for that matter in my heart right now as I am writing this. But I cannot hide the fact I am ailing and in pain to think that my good friend, someone I love and have come to adore has break in the news into my face...I think what I was needing was some point of clarity between us, but this seemed to be something that looked like as a goodbye to what ever future we might have.



“Friends lang muna tayo…napaka spontaneous ng mind ko. Minsan I feel this way and that way...” These are the words.





I don’t know how I’m feeling right now my friend. It’s a mixture of feelings for that matter. It’s not everyday we get to love someone and have his/her same degree of love be given back to you. If it happens, then it’s probably a blessing. In my case, once again it was not given back. Time was against me once more.



Just recently, I come face to phone with my friend. I’d like to address him to be a friend, ‘coz we really are. But we are friends to a higher level of relationship. We sort of had an understanding. But we sort of had no commitment. What a complicated matter this can be, if you can just imagine.





“I have feelings for you too…but…” These are the words.





I don’t know if I should feel good about it. If he has feelings for me maybe then it wasn’t good enough. I have feelings for him, but I cannot force it into him. He knows how I feel. I don’t want to put pressure on him. I can only give myself to a certain point. It was so hard to hear him say these words to me. Caught off guard I am.





“Please don’t think pinaglalaruan lang kita, kaya kailangan malinaw sa atin ito..” If he is reading this now, I want him to know I am not thinking that way. I met him, probably at a wrong time but never I would be thinking that I was toyed. I found him to be extraordinary, not the usual character seen by the naked eye. That is probably the reason I liked him so much in the first place. I won’t change my thoughts on him as long as he will not give me reason to think otherwise.





“I love you…”



HAHAHAH …that’s all I had to reply when he uttered those words. I didn’t know but what I felt hearing him say those words, my heart crumpled and my mind was thinking and wanting to say to him…”Mahal mo ako bilang ano…bakit kailangan mo pang sabihin…” Like he was reading my mind via telepathy he said again, “I love you friend….I don’t want to lose you.”



At this point I don’t know how to react but I uttered words I can no longer remember now. The conversation was not good enough for me. I told him I don’t appreciate the way he came unto me. I prefer a face to face not face to phone setup. I didn’t know. Probably it’s because I have been into various relationship booboos and the least gesture I would expect someone to do is not to directly come up to me. I don’t know but I am really not solve with that.



In a matter of days, my world will revolve and my life will move along with the tides of life. I still expect, somehow at some peak of tide, Phil and I will find the right time to converge and be together for real. Yes we are friends but this will look like a cliche, won't it. I cannot discount the fact, we both might not end up together in the long run.



This is so hard for me right now, but I am friends with him. I promised to him nothing will change…still this would probably be something that will move us apart. I hope not. I am human and at my phase will get over this feeling I just don't know how. If destiny will give us the reason to go on with our lives separately I would accept, but if I can decide I would like to love him for all my life. I love you…I don’t want us to be just friends If only time can permit..my friend...