There's this quote, “Sa pag-ibig, masakit mahulog sa taong ang tingin sa iyo ay kaibigan lang…Pero mas masakit na malaman mong mahal ka niya ngunit dahil sa pagkakaibigan…Pilit niyang tinatanggi.”
To clarify though, I don’t have any bitterness against anyone for that matter in my heart right now as I am writing this. But I cannot hide the fact I am ailing and in pain to think that my good friend, someone I love and have come to adore has break in the news into my face...I think what I was needing was some point of clarity between us, but this seemed to be something that looked like as a goodbye to what ever future we might have.
“Friends lang muna tayo…napaka spontaneous ng mind ko. Minsan I feel this way and that way...” These are the words.
I don’t know how I’m feeling right now my friend. It’s a mixture of feelings for that matter. It’s not everyday we get to love someone and have his/her same degree of love be given back to you. If it happens, then it’s probably a blessing. In my case, once again it was not given back. Time was against me once more.
Just recently, I come face to phone with my friend. I’d like to address him to be a friend, ‘coz we really are. But we are friends to a higher level of relationship. We sort of had an understanding. But we sort of had no commitment. What a complicated matter this can be, if you can just imagine.
“I have feelings for you too…but…” These are the words.
I don’t know if I should feel good about it. If he has feelings for me maybe then it wasn’t good enough. I have feelings for him, but I cannot force it into him. He knows how I feel. I don’t want to put pressure on him. I can only give myself to a certain point. It was so hard to hear him say these words to me. Caught off guard I am.
“Please don’t think pinaglalaruan lang kita, kaya kailangan malinaw sa atin ito..” If he is reading this now, I want him to know I am not thinking that way. I met him, probably at a wrong time but never I would be thinking that I was toyed. I found him to be extraordinary, not the usual character seen by the naked eye. That is probably the reason I liked him so much in the first place. I won’t change my thoughts on him as long as he will not give me reason to think otherwise.
“I love you…”
HAHAHAH …that’s all I had to reply when he uttered those words. I didn’t know but what I felt hearing him say those words, my heart crumpled and my mind was thinking and wanting to say to him…”Mahal mo ako bilang ano…bakit kailangan mo pang sabihin…” Like he was reading my mind via telepathy he said again, “I love you friend….I don’t want to lose you.”
At this point I don’t know how to react but I uttered words I can no longer remember now. The conversation was not good enough for me. I told him I don’t appreciate the way he came unto me. I prefer a face to face not face to phone setup. I didn’t know. Probably it’s because I have been into various relationship booboos and the least gesture I would expect someone to do is not to directly come up to me. I don’t know but I am really not solve with that.
In a matter of days, my world will revolve and my life will move along with the tides of life. I still expect, somehow at some peak of tide, Phil and I will find the right time to converge and be together for real. Yes we are friends but this will look like a cliche, won't it. I cannot discount the fact, we both might not end up together in the long run.
This is so hard for me right now, but I am friends with him. I promised to him nothing will change…still this would probably be something that will move us apart. I hope not. I am human and at my phase will get over this feeling I just don't know how. If destiny will give us the reason to go on with our lives separately I would accept, but if I can decide I would like to love him for all my life. I love you…I don’t want us to be just friends If only time can permit..my friend...
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